Best Furriends
by vivaciousBarkbeast
Summary: Nepeta Leijon is 22 and newly independent. Except... There's one problem. Her abusive boyfriend, Gamzee Makara. Her best friend Feferi Peixes doesn't take too kindly to the guy, though she knows nothing of Nepeta's turmoil. AU: Humanstuck/Petstuck
1. Nepeta

Your name is Nepeta Leijon.

It's friday and to be honest with yourself, you couldn't feel more miserable.

If you had a normal life, which you _don't_ , you would be praising the lord that you get a break.

Unfortunately for you, your life isn't normal; Far from it.

In fact, you would much rather stay at work overnight than go back home.

You've tried. Oh God, have you tried.

You would ask your best friend, Feferi if you could stay overnight but a few factors stop you dead in your tracks.

One, your boyfriend would get way too… Overprotective. Yes, you think that that is an appropriate description of him.

Two, last time you did that, it was new year's eve, you were surrounded with alcohol and you were two best friends having a grand old time.

Yup… Best friends. Reaaaal good friends.

Things would have gotten really out of hand and you'd have done something… pretty gay.

… You can't trust yourself drunk anymore.

A chorus of honking behind you brings you back to the present.

You're at a green light and you're not going.

Oh lord, how long have you been idling there?

You switch directly into Panic mode and floor the gas pedal, once again forced to live in reality.

You got out of work late as it is and _then_ you had to go to the store to buy food so your boyfriend doesn't kill- so your boyfriend doesn't starve.

Every day is like this. If you're even one second late getting your foot through the door, your boyfriend bea- Your boyfriend gets… _overprotective_ and hugs you tightly. Very tightly.

You usually end up crying afterwards; And he doesn't care. He even laughs sometimes.

N- Not that he doesn't care! You're sure he cares to some extent.

He just doesn't know how to show it is all!

As for his laughing… He just has quite the crude sense of humor!

You've seen his good side! Once in awhile…

 _You should be used to this by now_ , you think. _You should be adjusted to this abuse- You mean behavior pattern by now. You should be rock hard. Not letting anyone fuck with you anymore. But no…_

Turn left.

 _You're still as pathetic as you were four years ago when you let him pick you up like a stray. Even more, due to you "recovering" from your eating disorder._

Sharp right, another left aaand… You're home…

You hesitantly brake and park the car, turning off the engine, your hand shaking.

Closing your eyes you exhale and grab the groceries from the passenger's seat and close the door with your foot.

You flinch at your own doing, hoping the door didn't slam too loud.

You walk on the gravel path feeling it crunching beneath your feet, looking for your apartment.

You unfortunately find your door number and open it.

 _Please don't squeak. Please don't squeak. Please don't-_

The door squeaked. Very loudly.

"You're late."

The lights are dimmed.

You see a silhouetted figure stand and presumably turn towards you.

"I-I'm sorry, Gamzee. I just got out of work late a-and I had to buy groceries-"

"Shut up. I don't want your damn excuses."

Fear silently creeps its way into you as you stand there, waiting for the lion to strike.

"'M sorry…" You whisper closing the door behind you. "Were you worried?"

You walk away from the door and the foul stench of burning cannabis _would_ make you gag and recoil if not for the fact that you have been desensitized to it.

You flick a switch, turning the lights on and see Gamzee practically gazing through you, his scleras tinted red and his eyelids lowered slightly, a slight frown on his face.

He holds a blunt between his pointer and middle fingers, smoke floating through the room.

"Damn right I was worried. I started thinkin' you was stayin' at that rich bitch's house again."

Gamzee puts out the blunt and places it in an ashtray on the coffee table.

He walks over to you, gently takes the groceries from you and starts to put them away silently.

After a few minutes, you hesitantly walk over to him.

"D-Do you need any help? Cuz I can-"

"Nah babe. Go and relax. I'm sure ya had a hard day."

You mutter a sheepish "Okay," and go lay down.

As soon as your hand touches the cushions, every muscle in your body relaxes and you sigh and let yourself practically fall into the couch, closing your eyes.

Maybe a minute goes by until the rustling of plastic bags and opening or closing of cabinets slows to a stop.

"What. The _fuck_ ," Your eyelids snap open in a second, now alert.

 _What did you do wrong this time?_

You get off of the couch, keeping your arms close to your body.

He hears your foot make contact with the floor and immediately spins around furiously.

"W-What's wrong?"

"Where's my beer?"

Your blood runs cold.

 _You didn't forget his beer again, did you?_

"Your what?"

"My beer, stupid bitch. Ya deaf, like ya sistah or some shit?"

You flinch away from him as he keeps getting closer and closer.

"I-I think I left it in the car…"

"Do I have to do everything _myself_ around here?" Gamzee shouts.

When you don't respond, he sighs with an exasperated "Jesus Christ…", snatches the car keys from the counter and slams the door on his way outside.

In about a minute or so, you hear the car door slam and the clinking of several glass bottles along with approaching footsteps.

The door opens and you see Gamzee already in the process of chugging a bottle.

He swallows with a loud gulp and a satisfied sigh.

Walking back to the couch, he throws the empty bottle to you over his shoulder.

You catch the bottle awkwardly without saying a word.

Gamzee glances back at you with a sneer, not having heard a smash and plops down on the couch, effortlessly getting the cap off of another bottle with his bare hands, drinking it as if it were the first time he had had anything to drink for weeks.

A few seconds pass; Gamzee's voice rings snarkily just as you were subtly getting used to the quiet.

"Be a doll n' throw this one out too,"

He tosses the bottle to you and you make a pathetic valiant attempt to catch it but instead, it falls on the floor shattering into pieces.

You're sure you'll be the equivalent of that bottle in a matter of moments.

You flinch at the sound, jumping and holding the one remaining bottle close to your chest as if to say, 'See? I didn't fuck up _completely!_ Please don't hit me…'

Gamzee is quick to notice your fatal mistake and stands from the couch, marching over already hovering over you.

"Clumsy ass bitch," He mutters before slapping the other bottle out of your hand. "Now clean this up. I'm finishin' my blunt and if you ain't done in ten minutes, it ain't gonna be pretty for you, sis."

He points at you for a few seconds before grabbing a lighter and his half-smoked blunt and walks upstairs to your- _his_ room.

The door slams and you wince, shutting your eyes for a brief second.

It's quiet. Something you're hardly able to say anymore.

Not with Gamzee, or Pounce… Just your own thoughts.

You… You can't be sure which situation is worse.

Sighing, you walk to the right corner of the kitchen and pick up a wooden broom, your knuckles immediately turn white.

 _God, you're so weak… So pathetic… So…- Shut up. Shut_ _ **UP**_ _, Nepeta._

Your self loathing isn't going to clean glass off of the kitchen tiles itself.

You begin sweeping the shards of glass closer to each other, hands already shaking.

 _Come on. It's not that difficult. You just move the little shards a bit and…_

You drop the broom to the floor, it clanging loudly.

You think you heard a chuckle… You probably did… You _definitely_ did.

As if he were watching, you eyes shift left and right to seek out an attack.

You bend over and pick the broom up and position it on a chair, taking a dust pan and sift the glass onto it.

You throw the remaining shards into the recycling bin and close the garbage, acknowledging your success and you feel…

 _Gamzee's coming back. Act casual. Go… Go sit on a chair. No, no, NO! Not_ _ **that**_ _chair! That's Gamzee's chair!_

You scramble out of his chair to your rightful place, the opposite end of the dining table.

As far away from him as possible.

You sit down, crossing your legs awkwardly hoping this is enough to convince him that you've been done with the task he's given you long ago.

Gamzee's booted foot touches the bottom stair and is once again in your sight; You are in his.

He looks dazed. Well… More dazed than usual.

There's trouble in the air, you can smell it.

Or… Is that just weed?

Gamzee strolls over to you, seemingly calm.

Maybe he just needed a break?... From you?

His steps falter as he gets closer and closer. He stops and you feel him breathing on your neck.

You're trying to stay still, trying so desperately not to shake and give him affirmation that he's scaring you and he's superior in every way possible but… God DAMN it, why is he doing this? You did what he asked!

You whip around in your chair to make him stop and listen but as soon as you open your mouth, he claims your lips in a rough kiss.

Your eyes widen as he kisses you harder, pushing you into the table and taking away the words that were once on your tongue.

You whimper as the table digs deeper into your spine while his hand wanders into your ginger hair and he pulls it, suddenly jerking you away from the embrace.

"Where's dinner, kitten?" He growls. "Didn't I tell ya to make some grub?"

"N-No…?"

"Don't fuckin' lie to me. I tell ya t' do somethin' and ya _do it!_ " He tugs on your hair again, balling your hair into a fist.

You want to pull away, fight, something but your scalp is practically burning.

"Gamzee, please… You're hurting me…" You barely whisper.

"What'd you say to me, _skank_?"

"T-There's Dominoes and some salad in the fridge…"

He smiles smugly, releasing his grip on your hair. "Now that's what I like to hear."

He practically slithers away from you and over to the fridge.

You feel yourself beginning to salivate over the smell of food… the _thought_ of food.

God, you're so pathetic… Why are you so pathetic?

You always let yourself be manipulated by food you _know_ you _can't eat._

But the tantalizing grease and cheese of pizza… (374).

Or… maybe just a bite of that salad… (108)

Wait… What is he _doing?_

He… He's pouring italian dressing all over it! (200)

No… No, no, _NO!_ Is he _trying_ to kill you?!

You'll be sentenced to days, probably weeks of exercise to work off that weight.

The sickeningly salty scent of food grows stronger as your boyfriend walks back to the table.

 _200\. 374. 200. 374. 200. 374. 200…_

You swallow and tentatively reach a hand out for the plate of salad but Gamzee's hand practically engulfs yours.

"Ah ah ah~" He taunts. "I wouldn't be so sure about that,"

His grip tightens around your hand. "Have we been on the scale today?"

You freeze up. "No,"

Sighing, he picks you up over his shoulder and walks into the bathroom, dropping you by the scale.

"Anythin' in yo' pockets?"

You shake your head side to side, keeping your hands now tightly wound around the weights in your pockets.

You take off your boots and stand on the scale: your best friend and your worst enemy.

98 pounds.

You look up at him for approval and you see a slight sign in his eyes with a nod.

Not too much… Not too little… You're just right. For now.

He takes your hand delicately in his and walks you back to the table.

After you sit down, he hands you a bottle of water from the fridge and goes to sit across the table from you.

You look up at him again, waiting for his approval for you to eat.

He smiles slightly with that big, goofy smile of his and you immediately move the plate closer to you and begin scarfing down the salad no matter how many calories it has.

You feel as if you haven't eaten in days… Or weeks.

Or maybe you purged not too long ago and you just don't remember the act that left you with an empty stomach.

In a matter of what feels like seconds, the entire plate of salad is gone and… You feel sick.

Your stomach growls loudly for practically all the world to hear. You place a hand on your belly and see that Gamzee's expression shifted to that of… concern.

"You aight, babe?"

He stands and places the crust of his second piece of pizza on the plate and walks over to you, holding an arm out for you.

You gag when you open your mouth to talk, throwing a hand to your face.

You immediately realize that you didn't have approximately thirty minutes before you throw up. You have less than thirty seconds.

Upon realizing this, you push his arm away unintentionally in the action of running to the bathroom.

You fall to your knees and lift the toilet seat cover, immediately beginning to retch and cough.

 _You knew you shouldn't have eaten that fast._

Gamzee rushes into the bathroom and sits beside you. At least you think so. You can't see him. Wherever he is, he gently places his hand on your back, patting and rubbing the area.

You feel your spine and your shoulder blades jutting out and you wonder if he can feel them too.

You don't know which would be worse: not knowing about your bones jutting out and Gamzee pointing it out or you already knowing about it and bringing it to his attention.

You're thirty two pounds underweight and you can't say you're happy about it.

Your dinner is thrown up into the toilet bowl in a mess of green and brownish sludge and leaves that have yet to be digested.

You gasp for air, hot tears running down your cheeks as you feel your face getting redder with each heave.

As you slowly overcome your nausea, you lift your head disorientedly.

Gamzee holds you in his arms, rocking you gently.

He always gets like this. He _does_ care, you know it, He just… doesn't know how to show it.

You lay your head on his chest, still catching your breath,

He rakes his fingers through your hair silently.

You look up at him, his brown eyes set on nothing in particular. He just… stares.

Your eyes wander the room as you yawn softly, feeling the effects of purging.

Gamzee notices this and smiles softly. "I love you,"

"I love you too," You whisper with a faint smile.

Your eyes slowly close and you drift out of consciousness.

Your breathing slows. All you can hear is his voice. All you can feel is his greasy fingers running through your hair.

You want to recoil from his touch because _something_ doesn't feel right but you just… can't… do… it…

You wake in your bed with his hands on your hips and his nails digging into your skin.

"Wakey, wakey kitty," He growls in your ear.

The hairs on your neck stand up as you feel his breathing in… and out… on the nape of your neck as if he were about to strike.

You open your eyes wide with a start, moving your hand to stop him but he quickly grabs your hand with one of his own and traps your hand in his, still clawing at your skin.

His hand begins to move down your thigh and you feel blood rising to the surface but you can't stop him…

You look at him in horror but he's too distracted with taking off your panties to care.

He practically rips them off of your body almost hungrily and bites his lip, grinning.

You try to move away from him but he rolls over and positions himself on top of you.

"Where do you think you're goin'? You're not runnin' from me this time,"

His hands wander to your shirt and you have no choice but to let them force themselves onto your breasts.

He creeps around your body and unbuckles your bra strategically before throwing it across the room with another hungry growl.

He fondles your breasts in his hands, pinching and grabbing and scratching and you look away.

 _You can't watch him do this to you. Not again. Never again._

He grabs your head and turns it forward, giving you whiplash.

You flinch away from his touch, he moving his head down.

He takes your breasts in his hands and your nipples in his teeth.

You cry out but Gamzee, of course, is not swayed as you dig your nails into the mattress.

"Once I'm through with ya, you'll be nothin' but bones n' skin on this bed…"

His hand reaches your crotch area and he looks up at you, a malevolent smirk on his face while his other hand covers your mouth.

You feel a bulge poking through his boxers; the inevitability of the situation suddenly makes you want to cry.

You want to scream, cry for help but no one will save you.

You've tried too many times.

At this point, you can only assume that nobody comes for young girls who cry rape.

' _But he's your boyfriend…' 'You must have been asking for it.' 'What were you wearing?' 'Don't act like you didn't enjoy it.' 'He was just joking around.' 'He was just trying to please you, slut!'_

You try to move, squirm, anything that can aid you in escape but his weight holds you helplessly to his content.

He suddenly shoves his fingers into your vagina with no warning causing you to jump.

"Fuck, you're so tight, Nepeta. Loosen up, will ya?"

His idea of a solution is jamming his fingers farther and farther into your body.

If you hadn't already known in the first place, he's clearly getting himself off.

He bites his lip, smirking and a part of you wants to wither away; by part of you, you mean _all_ of you.

You glance down at the bulge now grazing your stomach, which he notices (of fucking course).

"Ohh… I see what's goin' on here…"

"N-No…"

His so-called sweet nothings are more like barbed wires to your senses as he flips you over, shoving your face into the pillow.

He smacks and grabs at your ass, chuckling.

You can already feel the bruises forming.

You hear him unbuckling his belt with a _clearly_ satisfied sigh.

"Now… Don't you move. It'll make it easier for the both of us."

Later, you received a call from none other than Feferi Peixes.

Thank God, an excuse to pry yourself away from him.

"Um… Babe?"

"What?" He answers groggily.

"The phone's ringing…"

"I don't give a flyin' fuck."

"Well, I do," You spit back at him… softly… without any trace of anger… at all.

"Fine, whatever. It best not be Peixes."

"I'm sure it isn't…" You trail off when you see the caller ID.

 _It_ _ **is**_ _her…_

Your heart flutters a bit as you tentatively pick up your phone from the nightstand.

You clear your throat. "H-Hello?"

"Hey Nep!"

"O-Oh! Hi Feferi!"

You sounded much too excited to hear her voice. Damn.

Your hear Gamzee shoot up from the bed as soon as he hears you _happy._

"What?!" He practically shouts in your ear.

Gamzee looms over you. In the corner of your eye, you see his hands in a position to wrap around your throat.

You quickly dodge his attempt, continuing the conversation with Feferi.

"So how are you?"

"I'm doing f-fine!" Your voice quavers.

"Are you sure?"

God, you feel your heart flutter again. She cares about you. She _really_ cares about you.

"Mhm. 'S just cold," You mutter, looking at Gamzee for a second. "How about you?"

"Hang up," Gamzee growls in your ear.

"Oh, I'm purr-fect" She replies with that adorable giggle of hers she does when she makes a lame joke and knows it and it's the cutest shit ever. "Profits are skyrocketing since my cousin Jane took control of Crockercorp! We-"

"I said…" Gamzee pauses, talking through his teeth. You turn around to look at him. "Hang _up_!"

He slaps you across the face and you whimper softly, determined to keep your cell phone in your grasp.

Speaking of which, Gamzee snatches for your phone.

You jump off of the bed, running to the bathroom and locking the door, pressing your back against it.

"Is everything okay, Nepeta? I heard Gamzee in the background."

"Oh, yeah…" You fake a laugh. "We're just having a little argument." You lie.

"Oh,"

A moment of silence on her end.

"Well… I was thinking of coming over-"

"Yes," You interrupt her unintentionally, quickly catching yourself and apologizing.

Feferi giggles softly and your heart practically explodes.

You want to tell her you love her, you need her, you want her but…

"When should I come around?"

Gamzee slams against the other side of the door, grunting.

You squeak, nearly falling to the bathroom floor.

"W-Whenever! Listen, I gotta go," You quickly reply.

"Oh, oka-" You hang up before either of you can fully say goodbye.

Gamzee continues banging on the door until you tentatively unlock it.

When the door immediately slams against the wall, you force yourself to swallow a shriek.

Gamzee looks directly at you, then the phone in your hand at your side.

His expression is fury, as it likely has been.

 _No mercy. No mercy. No mercy. No mercy. No mercy on you._

His hands grip your shoulders and your vision starts to blur as he begins shaking you.

"You… Stupid… Worthless… Idiotic…" He trails off before eventually claiming your lips in a kiss.

He bites your bottom lip hard enough you taste iron but you don't care.

You close your eyes, tension leaving your body. You drop your phone to the floor in the process and you couldn't care less.

He loves you. You know he does.

A few hours later, the doorbell rings and you feel your heart leap into your throat.

 _She's here!_

You stand up as soon as the sound registers. "Coming!"

 _How's your hair? Does your clothing have any wrinkles? Are your eyebrows ruffled? Do you look okay? Are your cuts visible? Does your breath stink?_

Okay, Leijon. Calm down.

She;s your friend. Say it with me. Friend.

Not gal pal. Not girlfriend. Not gillfrond. Not partner.

 _Just really great…_

Your open the door to see beautiful, kind, talented, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous Feferi.

"Hii!" She greets you.

 _Friends._

She initiates a loving hug; Her embrace practically thaws and refreezes your heart.

You suddenly can't breathe again because you feel him burning a hole through the back of your head.

 _Don't let him know that he's winning._

You turn around, a fake smile plastered on your face.

"Gamzee! Look who's here!" You turn her around, along with yourself to face him.

Gamzee turns his head, glancing at her with a look of disdain.

The atmosphere is full of dissonance already.

You feel Feferi's hand tighten a bit.

"Feferi."

"Gamzee."


	2. Feferi

Your name is Feferi Peixes.

It's finally friday and you couldn't be happier! In fact, you think you're EXCITED about the weekend.

You've seen many weekends come and go in your lifetime and… to be honest with yourself, you wouldn't be surprised if you were always the most thrilled every single time.

Not only are you thrilled because you get to sleep in, but you get to be away from the people that you absolutely cannot stand and would much rather go into a different field just to be away from them but your mother forbids you from doing so!

Your ex,Eridan Ampora is one of those people. Or as you'd prefer to refer to him as 'The Exception'.

Day by day, you still can't believe you _wanted_ to be in a relationship with him.

You knew you should have stuck with girls only.

From then on, you prayed to God that Nepeta would never have to be in the same situation.

Her boyfriend, Gamzee Makara is a bit… off, you admit but he's never hurt her so he's okay in your book!

If he ever _did_ hurt her… you would beat him to a pulp have a nice chat with him.

You know he's not religious in the least… Or maybe he is? What with all the mirthful messiahs and whatnot?

ANYWAY, you just pray _for_ him that he never crosses that line. Ever.

For Nepeta's sake.

You close the house door behind you. All is quiet. Peaceful.

… Something feels wrong.

You don't know what or why but it simply does.

It's gotta be nothing right? You can't be…

You lose your train of thought when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket.

You take it out as it continues to vibrate in your hand..

609-525-6627?... _Eridan._

A burning anger feeds into your veins and in the heat of it you… answer… the… phone.

" _What_ do you want, Eridan?"

"Good t' talk to ya too, Fef," He mutters.

You roll your eyes. _Sass already._ Why aren't you surprised?

"Listen, Fef, I-"

"Answer my question before you say anything,"

"If you'd let me talk, maybe you'd know what I was gonna fuckin' say," He snaps at you.

You heave a sigh, conceding. _He's right._

"Okay! Fine… Just- Make it quick."

Eridan clears his throat, clearly sounding prideful and arrogant now that he has his way.

You can't _wait_ for what he has to say to you.

"Fef, I…" He pauses. "I just wanted to say…"

Is he about to say sorry? Apologise for everything?

"Why do ya keep pushin' me away? We used to HAVE somethin'!"

 _ **SERIOUSLY?**_ _That's_ what he called to do? Not to apologise to you… Just to draw you to _pity_ him and for _your_ apology?!

URGH. THIS MAN'S _NERVE._

"We didn't have _anything_!" You sigh, dropping your head in your other hand. "I _knew_ I shouldn't have answered your call…"

A moment of silence on his side of the line.

"Why do you still have my number?" You say through gritted teeth.

"Why do _you_ care?"

"Because I don't want you calling me! You'll only whine like you're doing now!"

He scoffs indignantly. "I'm not whinin', Fef. I'm complainin'. Huge difference."

You fume audibly. "You are _such_ a CHILD! _Why_ do you think that I'll crawl back to you crying?! I'm not some… some _slave_ that'll just do your bidding and it's about time that you stop treating me as such!"

"Says the girl whose mother treated her like a slave and is now lettin' her cousin do the same…"

You clench your fist by your side, feeling your knuckles cracking under the pressure.

How… _DARE_ he talk about your mother like that?!

"You know what?!" You growl. "Fuck you!"

You hang up and toss your phone onto the nearest table, covering your face with your hands.

 _In the name of the father, son and holy spirit, amen._

Sorry, mom. You miss her so…

You sit yourself on the couch in silence.

You stare at the floor while your phone begins vibrating again.

Groaning, you cover your ears gritting your teeth.

Go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away.

After what feels like hours, the calls stop.

Either your phone died or Eridan finally gave up.

You guess you have to find out one way or another.

You stand, your nerves starting to get the better of you.

You hate him, you hate him, you _hate_ him!

Don't let your defiance fall away… Don't…

You are stronger than he is. You are better than he is. You are smarter than he… Yeah, that's not working at all.

Just slowly walk over and… stare at your phone.

You just… sorta… kinda… pick it up.

 _Thirteen missed calls from Eridan Ampora._

And… Pesterchum notifications. Great.

You begrudgingly open up the app, which automatically opens your most recent conversation; which was a conversation between you and your best friend, Nepeta Leijon from a few days ago.

You smile softly at the fond memory of her. You'd do anything for her.

Then, you see the username cavalierAquarius blinking and you'd recoil in disgust if not for the fact that you can't recoil from your own body.

You guess you'll read his pointless blabber just to humor him.

 **cavalierAquarius** **[** **CA** **] began pestering** **canorousCannonball** **[** **CC** **]**

CA: fef wwhy the fuck aint ya answwerin my calls

CA: are ya tryin to givve me the silent treatment or somethin?

CA: if you are then wwhat the fuck

CA: if not then wwhy the fuck aint ya answwerin me?

CA: youre reely startin to piss me off princess

CA: ya betta not be takin priority ovver me wwith that leijon girl

CC: I T)(OUGHT I TOLD YOU T)(AT YOUR FIS)( PUNNING LICENSE HAS B-EEN R-EVOK-ED!

CA: wwhatevver i do wwhat i wwant you cant stop me

CC: yeah yeah yeah its a FR-E-E country big deal!

CA:yeah and there isnt anyfin you cod do aboat it noww wwill you just givve me a reel reason you dont wwanna talk to me

CC: ive got two reasons actually! 380

CA: wwater those

CC: ON-E

CC: because im DON-E with your abusive 'please forgivve me for ruinin your life' spiel

CC: TWO

CC: i hate your guts for the former abuse 38)

CA: abusivve wwhat do you mean i wwas just tailin you to do something simple wwhat else do you wwant me to do

CA: beg you and say "im sorry"

CC: actually Y-ES

CC: the least i want from you is an apology but youve NEVER apologized for anything youve done to me

CC: i might as whale not even try with you anemonemore

CC: im seariously conchsidering blocking you again

CA: so wwhat youre sayin is that sayin that im sorry wwould make you coast over all of wwhatevver you wwere angry at me for

CA: is that wwhat you wwant

CA: okay wwell im sorry noww wwill you hear me out instead of thinkin im a shellfish prick

CC: its aboat time you said so

CC: fin

CC: ill hear you out just this once

CC: ocray?

CA: alright thanks fef

CA: so i just think that

CA: you and i wwere really nice together and i think that wwell people like us are meant to be together yknoww

CA: like since wwere rich and all it only makes sense for us to be together but let minnoww wwhen you wwanna be together i knoww you cant resist me forevver like im some sort of anemone of yours

CC: for crying out LOUD, -ERIDAN!

CC: IM NOT INTO GUYS

CC: i dont know why you think youre so special just because i gave you a chance

CA: wwait  
CA: youre a lesbian

CA: but you dated me

CC: but im not a  
CA: i just dont understand that you can be a lesbian and date a rather sharkingly handsome guy like me  
CA: like doesnt that mean you like guys

CC: its called

CC: making an exception

CA: wwell you didnt have to act like im porpoisely makin you angry  
CA: you cod just forgivve me for wwhatevver i did wwrong and wwe cod make up

CA: an make out

CC: SIG)(...

CC: ill think aboat it

CA: wwell  
CA: thanks or wwhatevver

CC: yeah

 **canorousCannonball** **[** **CC** **] ceased pestering** **cavalierAquarius** **[** **CA** **]**

UGH. You can't BELIEVE that guy! He's like… UNBELIEVABLE. It's practically impossible to have a civil conversation with him without getting any sass.

You hope he could feel your indifference through the computer screen. Or at the very least sense it.

Just because he grew up in a rich family like you doesn't mean that you two need to be together… Not again.

You refuse to deal with that whole charade again.

Besides, you two are practically on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Er- You might as well be at least. You're rich because you and your family earned it! He's rich because his father as well as his stupid brother are mob bosses. Not to mention, they are both despicable criminals.

Eridan might as well be just like those scoundrels.

After all, the rotten apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree.

Okay, calm down, Feferi. You're getting too worked up here.

Just… feed your adorable fishies.

You turn, your high heels clicking on the tile subtly.

You walk over to your large fish tank filled with multi colored fish swimming around together.

You pick up the plastic can holding fish flakes and shake some into the tank.

The fish are delayed for a few moments before seeing the flakes floating in the water and excitedly began eating them up little by little.

You giggle as you watch them swim around happily, some of them bumping into each other a few times.

You'd panic if not for the fact that this happens on a regular basis. You suppose you'd say that these fish are… rescues. They weren't exactly abused by their previous owners but they were injured in some way.

For example, cuddle the cuttlefish. You've had them since they were a little baby cuttlefish.

Most people would say that you're crazy obsessed with your fish which… you can't deny.

You love your little friends!

It feels just like yesterday when your tank had lonely little Cuddle.

Now, two years later, your fish tank is _full_ of friends!

They're so cute, you can't take it!

You beg someone call you crazy because you even have _ships_.

You have your best friend to blame for it.

Nepeta's OTP of your fish tank is the fuchsia and olive beta fish in the tank.

She's so adorable sometimes… Gosh.

Wait- what are you doing?! Ugh. This feeling again.

It pops up whenever you see her or think about her.

Dammit Peixes, you're clearly pining for a straight girl in a straight relationship yet again.

Why are all the good ones straight?

Stop it… Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!

Okay. Easy. In… two… three… Out… two… three.

You think you need a long shower t-

Your phone rings in your hand, startling you back to reality.

 _Meenah?_

 _As in rockstar on a tour Meenah? As in your sister Meenah?_

You squeal excitedly. You feel like a kid again! You haven't been able to hear her voice, much less _see_ her in so long!

You force yourself to hold in your excitement as you pick up the phone.

You clear your throat. "S-Shello?"

"Shello!" Your sister replies with a chuckle.

"Meenah! Oh my gosh! Hahaha!"

"Wassup, giirl?" You hear her fellow bandmates are chatting in the background.

You'd forgotten how loud they are, which is to be expected of course.

"Uh… Nothin' much, Meen! What about you?"

"We're in Oregon right now boutta go on stage in a half hour. Just wanted to see how my lil guppy's doin',"

You giggle softly at her word usage.

"Wow! You sound so busy!"

"Eh. Das showbiz for ya, sis. Gotta work fo' it." You imagine as she said that, she flipped her braided hair with a smirk.

You're probably the only one beside her girlfriend that would actually notice small things like that.

You laugh again. Gosh, you missed her so much…

"So… When do you think you'll be back in New York?" You ask hopefully.

"Uh… I honestly dunno. A few days… Weeks… Months?"

Your heart sinks. "O-Oh…" You try to hide your disappointment, which, to your disadvantage, does not work at all.

"'M sorry, sis. I'll try to visit as often as I can but for now… I can't…" She pauses as if hearing something similar to a queue. "I gotta go. Talk to ya later."

"Wait, Meenah!"

She hung up…

You have a sudden compelling urge to toss your phone to the floor in disgust- actually you decide against that because your phone was expensive.

You sigh and simply place your phone on the counter and walk into the kitchen to distract yourself.

The next day, you wake at 9:00 am with a start.

Another nightmare… You don't even remember what scared you.

Every time you have a nightmare, you wake at the same time. At least, you have recently.

It's hard to explain… Even to yourself.

You haven't talked to Nepeta in a few days. You think you'll see how she's doing.

You sit up in bed, the warm covers falling onto you lap.

You slowly inch yourself out of bed until your feet touch the floor.

You feel your thighs jiggle a bit, pull on a pink and gold nightgown.

You start walking downstairs, your hair bouncing softly.

You descend the last stair and your heels hit the fine marble, the tiles cold to the touch. You shiver a tiny bit as you proceed.

You unplug your phone from its charger and pull up Nepeta's contact and call her as usual on sundays.

The rings cease quicker than you expected, which isn't much because she picks up fairly quickly anyway.

You hear Nepeta's soft and sweet voice. "H-Hello?"

"Hey Nep!" You chirp.

"Oh. Hi Fef!"

You hear Gamzee mutter something in the background and you scowl, quickly feeling bad even though she can't see your reaction.

In an attempt to hide your contempt for the guy, you put on a faux innocence.

You know she loves him and all but damn… Why him?

"So how are you?"

"I'm doing f-fine!" You hear her voice quaver and your friend instinct immediately kick in.

"Are you sure?" You hold the phone closer, your grip on it tightening slightly.

"Mhm. 'S just cold. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm purrfect," You exaggerate with a giggle. "Profits have been skyrocketing since my cousin Jane took control of Crockercorp! We've never seen so many customers,"

You're truthfully a bit jealous that Jane was put in charge but-

You hear faint talking and barely comprehensible noises then a door slams.

"Is everything okay, Nepeta?"

"Oh, yeah." She chuckles. "We're just having a little argument."

You ponder her statement for a few moments.

To clear the strange feeling of tension, you bring up your main topic of discussion.

"Well, I was thinking of coming over if-"

"Yes."

Welp, that answers your question.

You giggle a bit then she's silent again so you take initiative in continuing the conversation.

"When should I come around?"

"Um… Whenever! Listen, I gotta go,"

"Oh, okay. See-" She's gone.

You suppose noon would be fine?

You put down your phone with a sigh and walk to the bathroom, dropping your nightgown to the floor.

You turn on your bluetooth speaker and after stripping down, you step into the shower and turn on the water.

The warm water runs down your back while you start cleaning your body with lavender scented soap.

You softly hum a song you can't remember the name of at the current moment.

Get it? Current? As in sea currents? Yeah, you get it. Of course you do. You're you. Why are you talking to yourself again?

Ah, right. Because this is how thought processes work.

You guess you went on autopilot because you're washing your hair now.

Your hands are practically engulfed in your hair.

You're surprised they haven't gotten caught in any tangles- nevermind.

You stand _wildly_ corrected.

After eternity's worth of raking your fingers through the many tangles in your bed head, you fill the palm of your hand with conditioner. Like… a lot of conditioner.

You sigh softly, suds beginning to run down your arms as you scrub.

You rinse off the conditioner after a few minutes, a section of hair falling over your face.

A weak attempt to blow the hair off your face is made, though not proven satisfactory.

You finally brush your hair out of your eyes, defeated and turn off the water.

You grab a towel from the rack near you and turn off the music.

You take your best brush from a drawer and start brushing.

This is the only brush remotely powerful enough to tame your mane.

You've lost too many good brushes over the years…

You wince a bit and nearly lose the brush to your hair a few times but you DON'T.

After what feels like five hundred years, your hair is officially tangle free.

Albeit… Frizzy as heck but you're used to that. That's your hair being… well… _hair._

You wrap a towel around yourself and walk back to the dresser in your room, pick a nice set of underwear, a cute sweater and a skirt and put on today's outfit.

… Now for breakfast.

A few hours later, you're standing by Nepeta's side.

"Gamzee." You snarl.

Gamzee glares daggers at you if he were ready to start a Russian Roulette.

Nepeta practically latches onto your hand, hers twice as small and dainty as yours, the poor girl.

It's always like this. Whenever you're around him, he has a look of absolute disgust painted on his face.

Well… he might as well have it painted on his face. He already has face paint.

Every time, Nepeta reacts the same way. She gets scared. She darts her eyes a bit, works her mouth a bit and barely whispers, "Maybe you should go… Gamzee,"

Her boyfriend always begrudgingly listens to her, muttering some curses under his breath, grabs a beer and marches upstairs.

Once Gamzee leaves, the tension leaves her body and she _smiles._

"...feri."

Dammit. You zoned out again.

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?" She asks.

"Yeah. Just thinking."


	3. Catch Me, I'm Falling

**affectionateCompanion** **[** **AC** **] responded to memo 'R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTY TOWN'**

AC: hey guys! :33

AA: hey nepeta!

GC: SUP? :]

AC: we still on fur tonight?

GC: H3LL Y34H. 1 H34RD LOTS OF GOOD SH1T 4BOUT KN1GHTT1M3

CC: you mean that nightclub across the street? 380

GC: DUH, F3F3R1! :P

CC: well SORRY! 38P

GC: H3H3H3

AA: so where should we meet? 0u0

CC: whale im already at nepetas apartment so why not )(-ERE?

AA: yeah!

AC: um im not sure if thats a good idea

GC: TH4TS 4 GOOD 1D34!

AC: but um guys

CC: its settled then!

CC: come around whenever you guys are ready!

AC: wait dont

 **adventurerAscended** **[** **AA** **]** **ceased responding to memo**

 **gigglingCounsel** **[** **GC** **] ceased responding to memo**

 **canorousCannonball** **[** **CC** **] ceased responding to memo**

AC: good god :((

 **affectionateCompanion** **[** **AC** **] ceased responding to memo**

Oh God, oh no, oh God. Why did she do that? Why why why did she do that?!

Gamzee's gonna kill you…

"Aren't you excited, Nep?" Feferi's beautiful purple eyes shimmer, practically hypnotising you. "We finally get to have a girls' night out with Aradia and Terezi again! Just like in high school!"

"Yeah!" You lie. "I'm super excited."

You over exaggerate a smile, a laugh, and a soft embrace with Feferi. Well, not the embrace. You didn't exaggerate that. That was nice.

Her arms wrap around you, her manicured nails just barely grazing one of your bra straps and a part of you wishes she would slide it down your shoulder and slip her hands into your shirt…

 _Fuck. Why did you shiver?_

"You okay, Nep?" She rubs your arm a bit anD NEARLY TOUCHES ONE OF YOUR CUTS BUt doesn't.

"Yeah. 'M fine." You mutter, clearing your throat. "Just cold."

Feferi holds you closer. "Aw… Sometimes I forget how little you are!" She giggles affectionately.

You curl up a little in her hold, smiling slightly even though your world is about to fall and break into several glass peixes pieces.

Feferi leans her head on your shoulder for a moment and God you hope she doesn't feel you blushing.

After what feels like a few seconds, she stands from the couch and holds her hand out to you.

"We should get ready, hm?"

You nod silently and without hesitating she pulls you off of the couch more forcefully than you expected and your face slams… into her… breasts. Shit.

"Woops!" Feferi chuckles as you quickly recoil from her, apologizing at what might as well be light speed.

Still holding your hand, she excitedly rushes up the stairs to your room with you in tow. The two of you zoom past Gamzee who shouts something unintelligible in your direction.

You're sure you almost made him fall down the stairs. He's probably gonna make you pay later.

She opens the door to your- _Gamzee's_ room and practically jumps back out as soon as she enters.

You cast Feferi a confused and a bit of a hurt glance and she looks at you with a trace of sympathy and apology. "Sorry. I just… Sometimes I can't understand how you _live_ with this guy. His hygiene habits are horrid." She shudders, smelling what you presume is the dreadful mixture of drugs and alcohol.

There's an ash tray and an array of half broken, half empty beer bottles of various different brands scattered about the room.

You keep forgetting that that isn't much of a socially acceptable thing that keeps happening.

You look up at her after she slams him in that manner with… Hopefully not too much anger but… enough for her to realize that she hurt your feelings.

Thankfully, she takes the hint and apologises again with a slight shrug and a sigh.

Of course, you forgive her because you just can't stay angry at those beautiful fuchsia eyes.

Feferi takes a deep breath and holds it, walks in your room again and begins searching for your makeup, at least you presume so, while you go around the room cleaning up the bottles.

He hates it when you do this but… The both of you keep stepping on glass shards and you can't have that happen to Feferi.

While lost in thought, you nearly stepped on one just now and you flinch slightly away from it for a second then, proceeding as a normal human being would, you just lean over and pick it up.

You hear a bit of cluttering and turn around to see Feferi picking up and almost dropping a few more bottles. You throw the bottles you have into a nearby trashcan, which is full of them already, pick it up and bring it to her.

Feferi tosses them into the can and dusts off her hands a bit. The bottles likely had dust on them since neither you or Gamzee really cared about the mess enough to clean it.

You smile awkwardly at her, still holding the trashcan and you get lost in her beauty.

She snickers softly. You're still holding the trashcan. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Put it down. Put it down. "Y'know, Nep, you should have me over more often," She pauses as you look at her. You're so gay. "Cuz… I could… clean?"

You walk towards her, nearly tripping over yourself. "Y-Yeah. I think I'd like that."

She walks a bit closer to you, now nearly chest to chest and she's gazing in your eyes and fuck should you make a move?

But wait… Feferi starts to lean in and your heart is racing, your face is flushing and God damn it, she's not gonna kiss you is she?

"You've got something on your cheek, hon." Her term of endearment for you makes your heart beat faster.

God can your heart just beat out of your chest so you can die in her arms?

She licks her thumb and wipes whatever's on your face off.

An indirect kiss on the cheek, oh lord. You're never washing that cheek again, you're definitely blushing.

Feferi clears her throat. "Well… Um. Iii… Found your makeup on the table."

You see that before that… encounter, she placed it all in a very neat arrangement.

"Thanks!" You walk past her awkwardly to get to your makeup and go to pick up your mascara and… Feferi nabs it from you. DEAR GOD.

"I-I could do your makeup… I-If you want me to, that is."

You dart your eyes to the side and instinctively say that stereotypical, "You don't _have_ to…" to which she replies with the just as much stereotypical, "But I want to…".

And predictably sweet as it is, you blush… For like the fifteenth time today since you've been with her.

Feferi pulls up two chairs and sits in one then beckons you to sit in the other, which you do.

She turns around and twists off the top of your mascara, tells you to keep your eyes half open, which you do.

You watch her as she concentrates on your eyes, she smiling a bit. "You really have pretty eyes, Nepeta."

"Not as beautiful as yours, Feferi." You subconsciously reply.

"What?" She stops doing your mascara for a moment to look at you, flustered and perplexed.

"What?"

She waits for a few moments for you to say something, which you _don't_ , before continuing with your makeup.

Damn it, you need to stop doing that.

She finishes your other eye and goes for the eyeliner.

You see the pencil coming at you and you close your eyes, bracing for impact as if she were to hurt you.

You're such a baby. No wonder Gamzee always says he hates you so much.

Somehow, you manage to keep yourself from flinching or finding an excuse to maybe not go out tonight and before you know it, she has your lipstick.

You open your mouth slightly, _your lips are so dry_ and she comes closer to apply your lip liner and lipstick.

You look into her eyes, feeling the tension in the air.

Unless it's just you being stupid again, which you don't doubt that either.

Nope, you see her bite her bottom lip a bit. You feel your body fill with electricity.

Her lips are plump and plum today. _She's wearing the lipstick you gave her for her birthday…_

This girl sure knows how to pull your heartstrings without intending to. Unless…

No. No. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She didn't. She doesn't. She never would have feelings for you.

You rub your lips together briefly. "Alright, I think we're done."

"B-But… What about my concealer o-or…" You trail off worriedly.

"Nepeta, you don't need concealer. We're just hanging with Terezi and Aradia. You're already beautiful, okay?"

Your heart flutters and you have a sudden urge to cry. She's too good to you.

Too good for you. Too good in general…

You lean in to kiss her and she closes her eyes- then the doorbell rings.

You both immediately squeak as you cumbersomely stand up and try to run downstairs but Gamzee's already opened the door.

You step on one stair, which creaks loudly and Gamzee immediately turns toward you menacingly.

You rush to the bottom of the stairs to greet your friends in a vain attempt to steer his anger away with Feferi following you but Gamzee speaks through his teeth before you get a chance.

"Would y'all mind if I spoke to my girlfriend privately for a second?"

Please don't leave, please don't leave… They're out the door.

Gamzee slams the door in their faces and turns his attention from the door to you.

"Why didn't you tell me we were gonna have _company_?" He spits.

"I-I meant to, I swear! I just never got a chance t-" He slaps you across the face.

"How many fuckin' times do I gotta say this to you? I don't want ANY of your stupid friends inside this apartment. Ever. You understand? I don't care who the fuck you think you is. Cuz let me tell you…" He picks you up by the throat and you gasp as he pulls your face close to his. "You ain't nothin'."

"Gamzee… please…"

"Quit yo' whinin'. You know what you did an' you ain't even feel guilty."

"I-I never wanted them to come over, I swear…" You whimper.

"I don't care what you want. This my apartment, kitten. My rules. And you best abide by 'em or you ain't gon see the sunlight again." He throws you to the floor with a huff then stomps up to his room and slams the door.

You flinch at the sound then shakily get back on your feet.

You glance upward through the railings at the closed door.

"I love you…" You barely whisper.

You doubt that he could hear you, much less cared.

He's likely far too upset to want anything to do with you at the moment.

Sighing softly, you move your still shaking hand to the doorknob and turn it delicately.

You open the door to see your friends smiling brightly.

"There she is!" Terezi coos, her voice cracking slightly while she moves to give you a noogie.

You smile slightly, giving a chuckle and a playful shove.

Aradia puts an arm on your shoulder, smiling down at you while Feferi takes a hold of your hand.

You're safe with your friends. For now.

As long as you don't have to force out another lie tonight, you should be okay. You think.

You are now Gamzee Makara and you are so done with yourself.

You hear those girls chattering away with your girl and car doors slamming.

Soon enough, they're all in the car and have already driven off.

 _She got away. How could you let her get away?_

How could you let her leave you alone like this?

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

You don't deserve to be pushed to the side like some animal.

You deserve all of her attention.

You shouldn't have to be treated this way.

You should've told her to stay, told her you loved her.

You know exactly what to do.

You take out your phone and dial Nepeta's number. You have it memorized.

You hear it ring once.

 _She hates you._

You hear it ring twice.

 _She's ignoring you._

You hear it ring three times.

1… 2… She picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey best friend," You say with a chuckle. "Where are you?"

"Um… In Aradia's car? We just… left."

"I miss you," You whine. "Come back to me, babe. I'm sorry I got mad at ya. It won't happen again, I promise."

You sniff and make a few convincing enough crying sounds to draw sympathy.

"Um… It's okay, I think…"

She _thinks?!_

"You _think_?" You suddenly lash out. You can practically hear her flinch.

No, no, no. Composure. This is the only way you can lure her back in.

"See, there I go again. Gettin' all snappy n' shit. I'm horrible. I should just kill myself. Not like you'd care."

"N-No!" Nepeta panics, making a sound of concern. "I _do_ care, I just… Look, I gotta go. I'll-"

"But baaabe!"

"Gamzee, we'll talk later. Please let me go."

"Fine. I knew you didn't love me anyway." You hang up with a huff.

You slide your phone into your pocket, vaguely satisfied with yourself.

You had a feeling she would choose her petty friends over you.

Always looking for excuses to be somewhere else, the bitch.

But no more. Now, you've got an idea.

You pick up the car keys from the nightstand, them clanking quite annoyingly.

You clasp them in your fingers and begin to walk downstairs.

You get to the door and head out to the car.

You honestly don't know why you hadn't thought of this sooner.

Probably because you were either high or drunk off your ass the majority of the time… Eh. Whatever.

You close the driver's side door and start up the engine, making your way to the nearest jewelry store.

You've got yourself a ring to buy.

You are once again Nepeta Leijon and you have regrettably just hung up on your boyfriend.

You know he's gonna have a word with you about that. Or… more than one.

You walk out of Aradia's car to join everyone else, who hears the door slam and turn to you.

"Everything okay, Nep?" Aradia asks.

"Y-Yeah," You stutter. "Just Gamzee calling."

"But he just saw you like five minutes ago." Remarks Terezi.

"Yeah, he's a bit clingy…" You trail off.

"Yeah, he's a lot a bit clingy," Terezi mocks you.

You roll your eyes silently with a chuckle as Feferi nudges Terezi, unamused by her comment.

Suddenly, you realize your appearance is likely very, _very_ unappealing.

You realize that though not much, your friends _are_ dressed up.

You can't believe you let your anxiety get the best of you yet again.

You didn't want to keep them waiting so you decided to come out in your work outfit: ripped jeans and a t-shirt.

Looking back on it, maybe tonight isn't good for you! Gamzee needs you back at home because… Pounce is… sick? Dead? Sick and dying! That's it.

So how about you turn around and okay nevermind Feferi is walking you back to the group.

Alright… Guess there's no escaping this mess. You're not ready to have forced fun. Not yet.

You follow close behind your friends, hiding betwixt the taller people.

Well… Feferi's not _too_ much taller than you. You'll grow eventually… Maybe…!

Probably not but hey look you're almost in the club now! You should pay attention to that.

You bump into Feferi, not having noticed that the group had already stopped walking.

Feferi looks over her shoulder and giggles and you blush a bit.

Then you notice Terezi step on a mat and a transparent set of doors opens, reveals a set of crimson doors covered in gears.

The crimson doors open, the gears turning mechanically and the vague bass you hear is fully revealed to be dubstep.

Spotlights are flashing various colors and there is at least twenty people on the dancefloor.

Terezi, Aradia and Feferi enter eagerly and you… Well you inch in slowly until the doors almost close on you.

Shit that was close where did they go. No. No, no, no, n- oh they're right there by the bar.

You slowly inch inside, towards the bar and you sit next to Feferi.

The mixologist is a friendly looking young woman, not much older than you.

She has short and bouncy looking blonde hair that has an adorable tightly wound curl on the right side of her forehead.

Her skin is fair and she has bright pink eyes, which you assume are colored contacts as well as full lips.

"Evenin' ladies!" She greets you all with a very clear New Joysey accent. "What can I getcha tonight?"

The currently playing song ends, followed by immediate applause and a calm yet seemingly confident voice. "Thank you. Now, I'mma take a quick break. Y'all enjoy yourselves now." Says who you presume is the DJ.

He steps down, soft music playing in the background of people chatting.

You assume everyone has already ordered their drinks because they are all… staring… at you.

"U-Uh… Just water is fine…" You stammer.

You glance around, praying to God that nobody's disappointed in you for ordering water… Again.

Seeing no disapproving looks, you allow yourself to relax just a little bit.

A few moments later, or at least it _feels_ like only a few moments went by, the bartender places your drinks in front of you.

Feferi, a daiquiri, Aradia, a margarita, Terezi, a Blue Hawaii and you, some water.

You all clink your glasses together, thanking the bartender and take a sip.

They all purse their lips at the bitter taste of alcohol and you can't help but chuckle.

You notice Terezi staring across the room and upon following her gaze, she's eyeing the DJ down pretty hard.

"Hey, Rezi. I see you checking out that Strider guy."

Suddenly transformed into kids again with their extremely low alcohol tolerance in their already tipsy stupor they say in a singsong voice, "Ooooh!~"

Terezi blushes. "A-Am not."

You notice the DJ had stared at her briefly, then back to who you assume are his friends.

Noticing this as well, Terezi looks down at the counter, seeming a bit embarrassed.

You catch one of them stand up quite enthusiastically, to the DJ's dismay.

As the friend gets closer, you notice her features.

Her skin, a rich golden brown and her hair in a beautifully long braid.

She has very visible dimples and her emerald green eyes practically scream 'Hello!'.

She goes to Terezi and taps her shoulder with a bright smile. "Hi there! Um, my friend Dave… the DJ?" She pauses to clarify, to which Terezi nods. "He wanted me to tell you that he thinks you're really pretty and he'd really like to get to know you!"

Terezi blushes a bit to which the girl giggles and begins to walk back to her group.

In awe, Terezi stands and begins to make her way over to her new love interest.

Aradia however, continues to sip her margarita thoughtfully.

She winks at you both, placing her glass down on the counter.

Feferi takes a shot from her daiquiri, finishing off the glass and you immediately pick up your water and drink to fit in.

Just keep acting like you're having fun.

You're having fun. You're having _fun_. You're having fun!

Yeah, there's no point in trying to quell your anxieties. You're too far gone.

"Hey Nep, you wanna dance?" She asks, her words slurring. "Let's dance,"

She takes a hold of your arm and drunkenly pulls you to the dance floor, glass still in hand and you're pretty sure she's not even remotely aware of it.

You feel adrenaline pulsing through your veins, anxiety holding you a hostage inside of your head.

You told yourself that you would never see her like this again. Or, if you did, you'd be sober, which you are.

Your best friend starts dancing with you completely off beat, spilling a bit of your water.

You glance down to the small puddle of water wincing, to Feferi's intoxicated confusion.

"Come on, Nep! Loosen up a little!" She hip bumps you and you spill more water onto the floor.

She places a manicured hand on yours, getting a slight grasp on the glass.

You panic a bit and barely whisper her name, suddenly catching a glimpse of her purple eyes seductively gazing themselves right into your soul and you're starting to feel a bit more uncomfortable.

The playlist fades into a slow song and wow you can't believe it's time to go already time sure flies by when you're having fun- woah.

Her lips are on your neck, her _lips_ are on your _neck._

She's not kissing it but she might as well be…

You pull yourself away from her intimate hold, her expression quickly turning cold.

She takes the glass from you and places it on the bar and you internally scream as she walks you away and back to the dancefloor.

You try to walk back but her firm grasp around your boney wrist won't be loosening any time soon.

You swallow as she places one hand on your shoulder.

"F-Feferi…" You feel your face heating up and you try to get away but God damn she's so strong.

Feferi pulls you closer to her chest, swaying slightly and you feel yourself starting to shake.

Why? Why? Why now?

She couldn't possibly be doing this to troll you… Could she?

No… She couldn't possibly know of your infatuation… As far as you know, you've been hiding it decently well for years now.

Unless… Unless she reciprocates? N-No. She couldn't. She wouldn't. She didn't. She doesn't.

How could she ever have feelings for a disordered freak like _you?_

You're nothing. _Worthless._ You-

"Nep? Are you okay?" She asks with a hint of sobriety.

"Yeah! 'M fine." You lie. "I think I just need to… sit down for a sec."

Feferi nods understandingly and starts to walk you back to your water which appears to have been… refilled?

Maybe that nice girl did it for you? Either way, you need a drink, alcoholic or not.

You take a sip and the taste is… _Salty?!_

No, no, no. It can't be… Oh God.

You're such an idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Your hearing starts to fade and Feferi is screaming at you but you can't hear… Can't see… Can't feel… Anything.

Oh God, you're gonna die. You're gonna die. You're gonna die. This is where you leave the world.

You know people are staring as you slowly collapse into an endless abyss of darkness and despair.


	4. When Fates Collide

Voices. Voices. Why do you hear voices? Too many voices. Not enough that you know.

You hear a woman crying and a man talking to someone among other barely distinguishable voices.

"I don't know what happened. She just… collapsed."

"How did this happen?"

"Is she dead?"

"Someone call an ambulance!"

"Oh lord, Nepeta…"

 _Feferi. That's Feferi. Feferi's crying. You made her cry. She's crying right now because of you and your stupid self drinking that stupid tainted water that made you faint which caused your best friend to cry._

You frantically try to open your eyes, to be okay, to tell Feferi that you're okay but your eyelids are glued shut.

You're trapped in darkness forever… Never to see Feferi's beautiful face again. Never to see Gamzee or any of your friends and family again.

You feel someone shaking you, calling your name.

"Nepeta… Come on, wake up! _Nepeta!_ " Feferi shrieks.

Come on, wake up already. She needs you to be okay, damn it.

 _Nepeta._ _ **NEPETA,**_ _Get the fuck up, you lazy oaf!_

You hear commotion all around you, muffled now and you pry open your eyes slowly.

Your eyes are wide open but the world is dark, everything is blurry and moving as if every single person here were stuck in a time warp.

You see tears on Feferi's cheeks which makes you die inside a bit.

You try to open your mouth and speak to Feferi but no words come out. Only a pathetic squeak which switches to a pathetic groan when you realize that you still cannot move.

You look around frantically which in reality probably looks nowhere near as frantic as you feel… and you think you want to scream.

Feferi is still shaking you. People are crowding you. Eyes. Eyes. Eyes. Hundreds of eyes. Thousands of eyes all staring at you. Glaring. Staring, Why are they still watching you?

You see flashing red and blue lights and you gradually move your head in the direction of the lights.

You blink, feeling time slowing all around you once again.

Is this what dying feels like? You're definitely dying. Oh God… You're… You're dying. What are you going to do? What _can_ you do?

You look at Feferi, tears are in her eyes.

"Fff… Feffff…" You barely whisper.

She looks down at you, tears now rolling down her cheeks. "Y-Yeah?"

She's trying so hard not to sob and that itself makes you tear up.

"A-Am I gonna die?"

She chokes up, shaking her head vehemently. "No, Nepeta, you're not gonna die."

She repeats, "You're not gonna die," over and over as if she were trying to convince herself more than you.

You see Aradia and Terezi hovering over you now, both with incredibly concerned looks on their faces.

A paramedic walks over to you, followed by another carrying a stretcher.

You are picked up extremely easily and placed onto the stretcher.

You stare blankly into the distance as you are carried into an ambulance.

Feferi, Aradia and Terezi stand behind the vehicle holding hands.

Please, Feferi… Don't blame yourself…

You wake up in what looks like a completely bleached room.

You glance around groggily as what were vague segments of a conversation fade into clarity.

"...Found traces of Gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid…" A monotone voice sounds through the room, which you speculate is either a doctor or nurse.

"Gamma-Huh?"

"GHB.: The other newfound professional, presumably a woman in the room finishes Feferi's sentence for her and she lets out a sheepish, "Oh".

 _ **GHB?!**_ _As in the date-rape drug GHB?_

Fuck it, why are you acting surprised? You knew what happened to you. You knew as soon as you took a sip from that… drug infested water. No point in painting a facade for _yourself._ You open your eyes all the way and see Feferi, your older sister Meulin and your boyfriend by the bedside.

Closer to you is a pair of people both in identical white coats, the female with a stethoscope around her neck and on the male, you catch a glimpse of a… red turtleneck?

Wait… grey skin… red pupils… horns… The male by her side is a troll!

You have to keep yourself from letting your jaw drop.

You've never seen an adult troll before! Much less, a troll of such a blood color! How fascinating!

You wonder if you could sorta just… reach out and…

"Ah, Miss Leijon! You're awake." The woman not much older than you smiles.

Her features make themselves clearer as she walks closer. Her skin is tan, tattooed in black swirls on her arms and legs. She has a shiny gold piercing on her right eyebrow, along with one on her bottom lip. Her eyes are a gorgeous jade green and her wavy black hair runs down to her shoulders. She has a warm smile, brought out more by black lipstick.

"Nepeta!" Gamzee shouts tearfully.

"Nep," cries out Feferi at almost the same time.

You instantaneously attempt to sit up, only to be stopped by the woman, a gentle hand lowering you back to the pillow. "No, no, no… It's alright, Miss."

A sudden wave of fatigue and nausea hits you like a truck and you want to curl up into a ball then never wake up.

Well… Not _never._ If you weren't there, who would care for Pounce De Leon?

Gamzee? No… Your boyfriend hates cats, remember? Without you, Pounce probably wouldn't live in y- _Gamzee's_ apartment anymore.

Feferi? No, no… She's allergic to cats. She couldn't possibly care for her…

Terezi…? Aradia? No and no. They already have kids of their own.

The troll in the background, who you assume is the nurse stands a bit further back than you anticipated, muttering something that you can't quite make out.

He seems… nervous around you. Almost like he knows you but he hasn't seen you in a long time?

… Why was that so specific?

 _Doctor…_ You squint to make out her name. Maryam. _Doctor Maryam_ turns around, looking at her nurse.

His ears flatten a bit at he glances to the side, then at you with his piercing red eyes and glowing yellow scleras.

When he notices you're looking at him, he pulls at his collar and clears his throat.

Doctor Maryam nods silently and leaves with a, "We'll return in a moment" and closes the door.

As he leaves, you see the nurse's tail drag a bit on the floor before he picks it up to ensure it doesn't get caught in the doorway.

There's a brief minute of silence before Feferi practically leaps onto you, hugging you tightly, Meulin doing the same after her, crying softly.

You could've sworn that you saw Gamzee glaring at Feferi before going into what feels like a charade and practically falls face-first onto the hospital bed… and your bony legs.

"Nepeta… Don't ever leave me again…" Gamzee weeps into the blanket.

Not knowing what else to do, you reach out and pet your boyfriends' afro, nearly losing your tiny hand in it while attempting to take it back out awkwardly.

Gamzee moves his arm to hold your hand and you smile softly.

He loves you… He loves you. He loves you!

Thinking of Terezi and Aradia… Where are they?

You glance around the room, observing that they aren't here.

… Not that it's too much of a surprise for you! They _do_ have lives of their own after all.

What with Sollux and Vriska being well… themselves.

Sometimes you wonder how those girls are able to handle 'em.

"Nepeta, I'm so sorry… I-"

"Feferi… You're acting like I'm dying or something!" You chuckle in an attempt to help your best friend stop crying or you'll cry too.

You hear the door close and the doctors return from the hall, you presume and you are brought completely back to the present.

The nurse casts aside a nervous look with a twitch of his tail and the doctor suddenly looks chilled. There's no doubt that they heard your small bit of dialogue.

Your slight smile fades and you're starting to feel just a little bit anxious. By a little bit, you mean you can feel your throat closing.

They haven't even said anything yet and you're already having a panic attack! Great!

The nurse looks at Doctor Maryam, who you presume is his moirail with a concerned look.

The doctor returns the look for a brief moment until she realizes what she's doing. She then clears her throat, wiping her face of all expression and nods, restoring her professionalism.

The troll's tail flicks on the floor, the end of it poofing up. He blinks then looks to Feferi.

"Miss Peixes, your friend is very lucky you got her here so quickly. Otherwise, she may have died of drug overdose, or at the very least, gone into a coma." His ears flatten against the sides of his head.

Feferi bites her lip, clearly trying not to sob again. You move your hand, the blankets rustling and you hold her hand tight.

She smiles at you and laughs tearfully, holding your hand tighter than you thought she would initially.

"You are very brave, Nepeta." Doctor Maryam chimes in.

"B-Brave?" You stammer.

How are you _brave?_ You did nothing in this situation besides almost get yourself killed.

You're not brave. You're _weak._ Like a newborn kitten trapped in a swimming pool.

You're helpless and foolish. Only an idiot would have left their drink unattended like that.

You could've left it with Aradia! But no! You were too enamoured with stupid beautiful Feferi Peixes. No, you take that back! She's not stupid, you were just upset! If anyone's stupid, _you_ are for having that kind of thought in the first place.

"Yes hon, you are very brave." The doctor affirms with a black lipped smile.

She's starting to look vaguely familiar and with every passing second, you grow more uncomfortable.

"Are you sure?" You can't help but ask.

Doctor Maryams lips curl up and she chortles. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Now… who here is able to drive her home? She should be stable enough. Right Porrim?"

Doctor _Porrim Maryam. A beautiful name for a beautiful woman._

 _Okay, you've really gotta stop slobbering over_ _pretty_ _girls._ _ESPECIALLY Feferi Peixes._

"I'll dr-" Meulin attempts to sign, but Gamzee interrupts.

"I'll drive her home, She's my girlfriend."

You have to suppress a disappointed sigh when Gamzee puts his around around you as if to say 'She's mine and mine alone'.

He smirks at you but it fades when you open your mouth to speak.

"Um… Actually Gamzee, I-I was thinking that M-Meulin could because I haven't been able to see her i-in a long time and… um… y-yeah…"

Silence engulfs the room. You can practically feel your boyfriend's anger as he tightens his fist on your shoulder.

Meulin smiles lovingly, having read your lips while Feferi has a puzzled expression on her face, almost suspicious.

The professionals in the room stand awkwardly watching what's happening and you can't help but feel sorry for them.

The nurse clears his throat to fill the empty space for a brief moment.

Okay, you're getting pretty tired of referring to him as 'the nurse' in your head so you're just gonna take a quick peek at his nametag aaand… Vantas. _Nurse Vantas._ You're sure that name won't be relevant to your life ever again.

"Well… If we carpool with ya sister, would it make you happy?" Gamze asks almost sweetly.

The weight on your shoulders lifts both metaphorically and literally all at the same time as Gamzee takes a few steps away from you so you can clearly see him.

Your throat slowly closes tight when you open your mouth so all you can do is nod with a smile that isn't too wide but wide enough so he can see it and _change his mind._

"Well," He smacks his lips, dissatisfied and your smiles fades. "'Fraid we can't do that. Our car can't drive itself home amirite?"

Your boyfriend nudges your shoulder with enough force to nearly push you over like a leaf in the breeze.

"She could ride with me," Feferi speaks up and your heart practically explodes.

Both you and Gamzee spin to look at her. You with excitement and he with a trace of anger…?

"Thanks but no thanks. Nepeta would rather be with her boyfriend. Besides," He gives you a noogie. "I wouldn't want her runnin' off for days with her lesbian best friend again." He says this as a joke but you both know he is everything but joking. _W-Wait… Lesbian?_

His brown eyes are practically burning, waiting for your response.  
"Y-Yeah. Running…" You're too scared to ask about that last part now.

Gamzee nods with a slightly obnoxious draped on his face.

"Well, I suppose I'll call up a wheelchair-"

"No need," Gamzee states bluntly as he scoops you up from the bed and carries you out of the room.

You didn't even get a chance to say goodbye… But it's too late anyway! Can't turn back now! You can just… talk to them later!

Gamzee walks you out of the building without a single word.

You know when he's quiet, you're in for a nice long berating some time soon.

He gently places you in his car then gets in on the driver's side and starts it up.

It's one in the morning. Gamzee wears an emotionless expression. This is the second most scary concerning face you see from him.

Gamzee begins to drive, still without saying a word.

You begin to fiddle with your thumbs, glancing to the steering wheel and up to the road then back down again.

Not knowing what to say to strike up a conversation with him, you say the first thing on your mind.

"So um… About that joke you made about Feferi…" You trail off and turn your head to check if Gamzee's giving you any kind of look, which he isn't.

You heave a sigh when he doesn't respond with anything but a quick glance before returning his eerily undivided attention to the road.

"I-It's just…" You attempt to build up a small amount of courage to even _think_ of saying this to him but you just let it roll off your tongue. "Why are you always so rude t-to Feferi? She never did anything to you…" You shout the first word at normal volume then decrease volume with each word you let slip.

Gamzee's grip on the steering wheel tightens so you decide it would be best if you never spoke again.

Hey… You think you saw a pair of horns…

"Um, babe?"

"Wh-" He looks to you for a moment, agitated before slamming on the brakes but not before hitting something… or _someone_.

You can't hold yourself back from letting out a screech to which Gamzee winces.

"Quit screamin', Nep. 'S just a stupid deer."

You unbuckle your seatbelt and exit the door and mouthing an apology to Gamzee for slamming the door when you do.

You tiptoe around the car and see- _OH GOD!_

You practically leap back upon seeing a collapsed gray figure on the road.

Oh no! Poor thing, one of their… horns was broken from the collision.

Gamzee opens and slams the driver's side door and walks over in a huff.

"What the fuck is takin' ya so long to- _eugh!_ " He recoils in utter disgust, hiding behind you as if the poor creature were to attack at any given moment.

"Gamzee, can we help them?" You ask hopefully.

" _Them?_ You kiddin'? It's an _it._ Not like it's even close to bein' a human or somethin'." He rolls his eyes.

You tentatively move closer to the creature and see… _blue_ blood! They _are_ a troll!

You kneel down and scoop up the troll, seeing hooves and gray skin dangling a bit limply.

Gamzee gives you a warning, "No," which you ignore, shakily holding the troll, their long black hair blowing in the light breeze.

Gamzee groans and takes a hold of the horse? Troll gently and places him in the back seat of the car and securing them with a seatbelt.

Your boyfriend finally smiles a bit and takes a seat to proceed driving.

Oh God, you can't believe that just happened! You're so happy you could just… just _kiss_ him!

In the spur of the moment, you lean over and plant a kiss on his lips.

Gamzee returns the kiss and after a few moments, he begins driving once again.

The two of your remained speechless for the rest of the ride home.

Occasionally, you would look back to the troll in the backseat, hoping that they are comfortable.

Then common sense hits you like a ton of bricks. About time.

 _Could this be considered kidnapping?_

What if you took them from their family? Just the thought makes you sick to your stomach.

"Babe," Gamzee's waving a hand in front of your face, trying to get your attention.

Damn. You must've dissociated again.

Either way, you're home and you pick up the hopeful addition to the household and walk to your apartment with Gamzee in tow.

He opens the door and for once, you think you just might be glad to be home.

You slowly take a seat on the couch, placing the injured troll close to you.

You hesitate a few moments before remembering that _OH GOD, THE POOR THING IS STILL BLEEDING_ so you grab some peroxide and wet some towels to clean the wound(s?).

You hope they don't bleed to death… Such a tiny body, though a bit muscular, you have no idea how long it would take which means there's no time to lose!

You walk back over to see that the troll is now conscious and looking at you.

You can now confirm that _he_ is a he.

The troll tilts his head slightly and you let out a tiny squee which makes him tilt his head in the other direction.

"Do excuse my language miss, but where the heck am I?"


	5. Dead To Me

"Do excuse my language miss, but where the heck am I?"

You blink a few times in confusion; Not only because of the fact that he literally only said 'heck' and you can't believe how… gentlemanly he's being.

His big curious gray eyes have a few hints of indigo in them so if you didn't already know he's a highblood from the previous tragic accident which you refuse to acknowledge for the rest of your existence… now you know.

Oh, right. He's waiting for you to answer.

You clear your throat and choke on air, coughing awkwardly a few times before proceeding to talk to your potential _son!_

"You were hit by a car and my matesprit and I saved you." You say with a likely unconvincing smile to try to seem like you had no fault in this situation whatsoever. Which… seems to work because he's grinning widely, revealing gaps between his pointy fang-like teeth.

"Thank you, miss uh…" His smile fades and he looks to you, practically begging you silently to give your name.

"N-Nepeta,"

"Oh." He says with a slight chuckle. "Thank you, miss Nepeta," He finishes his sentence, seeming satisfied with your answer.

Your name _does_ roll off the tongue, according to Feferi.

You smile, nodding a bit. God, he's so formal! It might take a while for you to get used to this.

Or who knows? You might even adopt him _and_ that trait?

Pfft, Nah. That'd be pretty stupid.

You look back near the entrance, hoping to find Gamzee, which you… don't?

Then you hear the fridge door close and the clink of a beer cap popping off and hitting the counter.

You watch your boyfriend chug the beer and toss it into the trash then turn to you.

"What?"

You look to the elephant in the room, so to speak, then back to Gamzee with a hopeful smile.

Maybe this troll can draw you two together again? You'll both care for him and in turn, he'll promise not to hurt you again!

"Gamzee can I show him where his room is?"

"You don't even know its name and you're _keepin'_ it?" He crosses his arms, incredulously snubbing your attempt to communicate and attempt to restore what you used to have with him.

"Well… I-I was thinking so, yes…" You trail off.

"We don't even have an extra room, Nepeta."

"Y-Yes we do…" You protest, guiding the small troll from the couch, holding his hand and oh god his hand is so tiny? Even tinier than yours?

He catches a glimpse of his indigo blood stained on the couch cushions and winces, moving his other hand up to touch his broken horn.

You gently touch his arm with a bit of a stern look but not too stern and a quick shake of the head and he takes the hint, dropping his hand back down to his side.

"I apologize… I-I just wished to asses the damage done… " He looks up at you and speaks softly in response, handling his words as if they were made of glass.

If your expression gave off any actual tension before, it had softened for sure by this point. Gosh, those eyes of his… so big and innocent.

He may speak formally, but his gaze alone reminds you of the fact that he's just a poor child that you hit with your car who needs care and attention more than anything right now.

Without any further words, you start to walk Equius over to the stairs, helping him climb them because God _damn_ are they tall.

You can feel Gamzee glaring at you but you can't let it distract you from your little boy.

Gamzee's right… You don't even know his name and you're already planning to call him your son. How much more pathetic can you get? Probably not by much…

You reach the top of the stairs and the troll's hooves cease clopping on the wood which is now covered by a gray carpet.

You turn to your right and open up the door, which used to be your room but was eventually considered Gamzee's room as well. But now… It's…

"Equius," The troll miraculously answers for you.

"Hum?"  
"T-that is my name...I saw that you had neglected to ask what it was, so informing you of it was surely in order, no?"  
"O-Oh… of course dear, you're right." You mutter squeamishly, feeling silly for not asking his name prior.

You meant to ask him earlier but… not in the presence of Gamzee. He'd get on your case for sure.

Only now have you noticed Equius' clothes, or truthfully speaking, his lack thereof. And at that moment, you also realize how filthy your child is.

You silently beckon Equius to come with you and with a small hesitation, he does follow.

You go to the closet near the bathroom and grab a towel, shut the door as quietly as possible and let him undress and get in the tub.

You turn on the water and place his tattered shorts and shirt to the side.

You then hear Gamzee's disgruntled whining from downstairs, then his booming footsteps soon after.

You thought he would have taken off his boots by now but it's all the more to beat you with he tends to not really… care about treading dirt on the carpet, leaving all the housework to you, yet again.

You take a washcloth from the sink and dip it into the water and add a little bubble bath into the tub _ya know, for fun_ then begin washing the troll.

Gamzee barges into the room while you are washing your child and he groans. "Ugh. Babe, if you wanted a kid, ya coulda just said so."

"I don't believe in that before marriage, Gamzee…"

"Well, too late for your beliefs, ain't it?"

"T-That wasn't sex…" You whisper.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say to me?"  
"I believe she just said it wasn't sex… whatever sex is exactly." Equius chimes in.

 _EQUIUS, NO!_

You shush Equius with nervous laughter as you try to cover up a sob climbing up your throat.

Gamzee looks at your child, then to you and back to Equius then turns off the water, grabs you by the hair and pulls you out of the room and drags you downstairs.

"Why you teaching it to backsass me?!" He snaps at you.

"I-I didn't teach him any-"

"SHUT UP. I'm runnin' outta patience with you, Leijon. And it's runnin' out fuckin' fast."

"Gamzee, I swear… I didn't do anything behind your back!"

"Oh yeah? Then 'splain how you almost fuckin' killed yoself at a club today. Don't think I'm not wise to your games."

A chill runs down your spine at the mention of your near death experience a mere few hours ago.

"I-I didn't do it to myself…"

"STOP LYIN' TO ME."

You flinch away from him but he grabs you by the arm fiercely, his teeth grinding against each other visibly.

"I… I'M NOT LYING!" You yell before you even think about the imminent consequences.

Gamzee immediately throws a punch to your gut and you fall to your knees with a whimper.

He pushes you to the ground with his foot and starts kicking you repeatedly in the ribs and you curl up on the ground, now crying softly.

Gamzee yanks you up by the hair and makes you look him dead in the eyes as hot tears roll down your face, burning your eyes and skin.

"Don't you ever. EVER. Talk to me like that again or I swear I'll make you wish you _had_ died of overdose." He pauses to lean in close to your ear. "Ya got me, kitten?"

You nod your head ever so slightly and he throws you back down to the floor. He might as well just have left you for dead.

"Come to bed when you're ready. I'll be waiting."

He… He loves you. Y-You know he does…!

"I… I l0ve you…" You barely manage to wheeze out.

"I know." Gamzee replies, walking back up the stairs.

You wait to be completely out of his sight before you completely break down crying.

You lay on the floor, shaking as sobs silently wrack your body until you hear Equius' voice closer than anticipated.

"Are you alright Miss?" He asks you in that polite tone of his, noticing how much of a mess you are.  
"Y-Yes… I'm fine, don't worry…" You lie, forcing yourself to find the strength to get up when suddenly, you feel Equius's arms wrap around your waist, hoisting you up with barely any effort.

"W-whoa-!" you mutter out in brief fear as he does so, managing to find your footing when he places you back down on the floor.

After letting go of you, you end up stumbling a bit, gripping onto a table for support so that you don't fall on your ass again.  
Oh your God… How strong is this boy?

You understand that you don't weigh very much at all, hell, even your sister could probably carry you, but the boy in front of you must barely be eight or ten in human years, and he lifted you up so _easily._

You suppose those muscles aren't just for show after all…

Either that or it's just his blood caste and he drew them on…? No, that's stupid. He's just strong.

You feel the world starting to spin around you and you close your eyes, shaking your head for a second, waiting for the feeling to stop.

You guess you just didn't eat at all today… With the way things are going now, it seems like you may not be eating for a while.

"Miss, are you sure you're alright?"

You flinch at his asking once again. You're not gonna get used to this 'are you okay' business, are you?

Instead of answering, you choose to avoid his question by asking another question.

"Does your owner know you're here?"

You begin climbing the staircase slowly and carefully, clinging to the wall like it's your boyfriend.

Equius is likely following close behind which is both scary and comforting because you know he's got your back but _what if you_ _ **fall?**_ The worry pulls you into such a deep thought that you barely catch the end of Equius's response.  
Stopping for a moment, you look over your shoulder at him and ask awkwardly "I-I'm sorry sweetie, but could you please repeat that? I was a bit lost in thought…"

"My owner left me for his matesprit. He had to choose one or the other and quite clearly, he chose his matesprit." He says with a bit of spite.

"Well, I could be your owner! M-Maybe even your moirail?"

Equius face flushes dark blue and he stammers.

"M-Miss Nepeta. I-I… Um… We're moving too fast!"

Equius practically runs into his room and slams the door.

A few seconds later, he reopens the door.

"A-Apologies. G-Good night."

You giggle a bit and he closes the door gently, having nearly broken the door in his flustered state.

You really should've thought twice about pale advancements.

You heave a small sigh and turn to your- _Gamzee's_ bedroom door.

You gently turn the knob and immediately see the room is dark.

Gamzee just might be asleep.

You take a few steps inside the room and the door closes behind you.

Before you get a chance to react, Gamzee someone took your arms and swung them behind you, now secured to your back by his their grip.

You whimper and turn your head as you are forced into the wall.

His Their hands claw at your back and spin you around to face him them.

He They growl in your ear as he they pull off your shirt and rip off your bra.

You almost want to cry but at the same time, what would be the use?

You've practically grown desensitized to it by now.

But… This time is different.

This time, you know he's not drunk or high.

This time, you can't justify his actions so easily and this time, he's not calling it love.

It's almost like he's trying to kill you this time.

He has the motive to, after all. You wouldn't be surprised if he had the plan.

He's shoving himself deeper inside of you than before.

He's pushing you farther into the mattress than before.

You look up, hoping to see a stranger because rape love from a stranger would be easier for you to to accept…

You might as well just turn into a bed of flowers. You're just as weak as flowers anyway.

You've already lost consciousness by the time he finishes.

At least, you considered yourself unconscious by that point.

You blankly stare into the darkness and you feel him crawl off of you.

You swore you heard him whisper, "Girls like you rape easy, baby" as he walks back to bed.

 _Rape._

You refused to give the act a name and now that you have.

You want to scream. Make him pay. You want him to feel what you've felt for four miserable years.

Though, you can't do anything now. You have to wait. Otherwise, it would be too predictable. Or… would waiting be too predictable?

"You comin' to bed or what?" His raspy voice makes your skin crawl.

"Y-Yes dear," You mutter.

Now isn't the right time. Just… Act like you're okay. Not too much different than what you're used to after all.

You walk over to the bed and stand there for a good ten seconds, contemplating if this will be the end of your life before your boyfriend notices and snarls, "Nepeta, it's too late for this shit. Get in the damn bed."

And you get in the bed as if the devil were chasing you even though you know that the devil is in your- his bed, waiting for you to join him in hell.

You pull the covers up to your chin and you watch the ceiling fan spin until you feel dizzy.

Regrettably, you turn to your side, now facing the edge of the bed.

You silently keep an escape route in mind as Gamzee spoons you, pulling himself closer.

You feel him breathing on you, the hairs on your neck raising and you swear that this is normal.

You swear it's normal to be uncomfortable in the hold of your lover.

You swear his daily weight regulations are normal.

You swear it's normal to flinch away from his touch.

You swear it's normal to flinch away from everyone's touch.

You swear it's normal when he hits you for being stupid.

You swear it's normal when he says you're nothing.

And you swear it's normal when you wish you were nothing at all.

You wake up in the morning to Gamzee's face a few inches away from your own and you jump back, nearly falling off of the bed.

Gamzee takes a hold of your hand right before you fall and laughs. "Sorry, babe. Didn't mean to scare ya."

You can't help but giggle with him and a part of you wants to vomit as he suddenly looks at you with an ice cold glare.

"What're you laughin' at?" You freeze up and after a few heart pounding seconds, he starts laughing again. "I'm just kiddin', kitty cat."

You force out a laugh or two and they probably came out strained but you don't think he noticed.

He's in a good mood today, you think. The first time in maybe years…!

"Hey babe, mind if i ride with you to work today? I wanna talk to ya 'bout somethin'."

Your blood goes cold.

Is he breaking up with you? _He's breaking up with you, isn't he?_

What did you do wrong _now?_ Dammit, you knew this was coming. You're not ready to let go of him yet.

You two were so happy together! Why now? Oh God you're gonna cry… Nope too late, you're already crying.

Shit, shit, shit. Play it cool.

"Nepeta?"

You shake your head, side to side, starting to tremble.

No no no no no no no no no no no…

"Babe, babe! Look at me." He holds your head in his hands and wipes your pathetic tears away with his thumbs and a soft smile that you rarely see anymore. "It's okay. I ain't got nothin' bad to say. I ain't gon' hurt ya."

That's what he always says.

"Y-You're not breaking up with me?"

His face contorts into a look of sympathy and almost a hint of confusion. "No, baby…"

You heave a heavy sigh of relief and you practically collapse into his arms and he rubs your back comfortingly.

"I'd neva do that to us." He says with a sincere smile but part of you still feels like he's lying.

You slowly crawl your way out of bed and make your way to the dresser and pick out a shirt and jeans as well as a new set of bra and panties to wear, place it on the bed and go to the bathroom.

You undress yourself and notice the scars and bruises on your body, both old and new like you always do.

You take a quick pee then place your undergarments on the toilet seat cover, close the door and turn on the water.

You step into the shower shakily and turn the knob left because _God damn that's cold_ and let your muscles relax as water trickles down your limbs.

Your right forearm begins to sting and for a split second you wonder why and you look down.

The healing cuts look worse than they did yesterday and that alone almost makes you have a breakdown in the shower.

You start to feel nauseous so you decide you won't check them for a bit and subtly turn that arm away from the flow of the water so maybe you can forget that that arm exists for a bit.

You proceed to wash yourself with your vanilla hand soap in silence.

 _Something seems off with him but… you just can't… Wash your hair. Just wash your hair. Everything will be fine if you just wash your hair right now._

So you wash your greying ginger hair gently, feeling your hair being pulled from your scalp just by the lightest touch.

You look down at your ugly, anorexic body and you can practically hear Gamzee's remarks about you in your head.

"Too skinny."

"Too fat."

"Smile more."

"Straighten your back."

"You should eat more."

"You gotta eat less."

You wince at every memory that hurtles back at you, slowly regretting your decision to get into the shower in the first place.

Who's gonna notice a little BO from the stupid little accountant girl who's just a little too skinny for her age? That's right, nobody.

You rinse your hair, quickly stepping back out of the shower, water dripping to the floor.

All is quiet now and you can feel your fear taking over again.

You wrap a towel around yourself and walk out and grab your underwear oh they're gone.

You hear a chuckle from across the room and turn your head to see your boyfriend twirling your undergarments on his right pointer finger.

"Lookin' for these?" He taunts.

Your lips curl up a bit, the darkness in your mind fading away and you feel… lighter.

You laugh and it's a _real_ laugh so you keep laughing as you climb onto the bed and crawl over to him.

You reach up to grab them back but he, being a foot or so taller than you, can easily evade your attempts by lifting his arm higher.

You nearly leap from the bed in an attempt to reclaim your underwear and failing miserable, crashing into Gamzee.

He chuckles, ruffling your hair a bit and leaning forward onto you and you fall back onto the bed.

You lay on the mattress, he on top of you as he gazes lovingly into your eyes.

Tension sparks between the two of you until Gamzee breaks it and connects his lips with yours.

You slowly close your eyes, moving your bony hand up to his prickly, unshaven face and sigh, anxiety leaving your body completely.

Gamzee moves to plant a few kisses on your neck and an unbelievable amount of you wants to flinch away but you can't…

You hate to ruin the mood just because you're too pussy to be loved so you let him kiss your neck and you even bring yourself to bite your lip a bit.

You feel Gamzee smiling as he continues kissing and sucking on your neck, bound to give you a hickey in no time.

After a few minutes, he calms down and lays on his back, next to you and surrenders your undergarments.

You dress yourself in newfound silence and look to him, noticing that he's already dressed himself.

You glance to the door and Gamzee nods, knowing you're going to see Equius.

With Gamzee's approval, you head out of the bedroom and into the small hallway, the only space seperating you and your son.

You gently open the door, it squeaking from a lack of use in countless years.

You peek in the room and see Equius is already awake.

"Ah, good morning, Nepeta. I do hope you slept well." He says with a cute little smile.

You smile a bit, nodding. "You ready for breakfast?"

Equius nods politely and gets out of bed.

 _Mental note: Buy Equius some clothes._

You hold out your hand and he hesitantly grasps onto yours, looking up at you.

You start to exit the room, the troll boy following close behind you as you walk down the stairs to the kitchen, seeing Gamzee filling three bowls with your homemade yogurt parfait.

He places the bowls on the table; Two opposite from one another and a third on the right of them.

You guide Equius to his seat then sit across from Gamzee, where you sit normally.

Equius hesitantly spoons a small amount of parfait and eats it as if he's never had food in his life.

Equius smacks his lips with a delighted smile and starts eating with fervor.

You can't hide your glee when he eats so joyfully, you start eating as well.

Before you know it, everyone's breakfast is eaten.

Gamzee stands and you follow suit, getting ready to go to work and your eyes wander to Equius who is clearly wondering what's happening.

"C-Could we bring Equius too?"

Seeming reluctant, Gamzee nods and Equius slowly stands from his chair.

"Where are we going, Nepeta?" He turns his head up to you.

"Oh, nowhere special, dear. Gamzee's just going to drop me off at work and he'll be at home to take care of you, okay?"

Equius nods, satisfied with your answer and with a bit of a suspicious glance to Gamzee, walks to the door.

Gamzee opens the door, swipes the keys from the counter behind him and exits the apartment. After the three of you have exited, he locks the door and you, holding Equius' hand, walk to the car.

You all get to the car and you attempt to climb in the driver's side but Gamzee gets there first and casts you a playful smirk and gets in the car so instead, you get Equius fastened in and then climb in the passenger's side.

Gamzee starts up the car and begins driving in the direction of your workplace and you stare blankly at the road for what feels like hours until you're finally there.

He brakes and exits the car and you exit shortly after then take Equius out of the car as well.

You're probably being way too clingy with this child but you can't help it… You just… Love him already.

People are swarming the building, all trying to get inside at the same time and you think you see Terezi among them.

You bid your child and your boyfriend goodbye and attempt to leave before the back of your shirt is grabbed followed by Gamzee's voice.

"Actuallyyyy," He trails on for a bit longer than you're comfortable with. "You wanna stay here a bit longer?"

You agree, so long as to not get on Gamzee's nerves today. At least, not yet.

You wait for a few moments, hoping that there is a legitimate reason that Gamzee is keeping you here but he does not show it for a bit until…

Gamzee slowly gets down on one knee and opens a box…

"Nepeta, will you make me the happiest man alive?"

People are staring now. Gawking. Hoping. Waiting. They're practically yelling at you to do it. To say 'Yes'.

Your heart is racing and you think you're going to pass out.

"I… I can't…"

The crowd around you thickens as Gamzee's expression darkens and you suddenly fear everything and everyone.

Gamzee puts the box in his pocket and takes Equius' hand roughly, stomping back to the car.

"You're gonna regret you ever did that to me, Nepeta Leijon." He spits at you before speeding away.

Later in the day, you arrive home after walking for at least a mile after Gamzee didn't answer your calls or texts to come pick you up.

You knew you fucked up somehow. You just knew it. You knew you should've said yes.

You close the door behind you and you see Equius walk down the stairs, his face pale.

You hurry over to Equius and hug him tightly. "Equius! What's wrong?"

Without a word, your son points upward and you take his hand gently and start walking upstairs.

Something feels wrong…

You feel a chill run down your spine slowly yet painful like a lightning bolt jolting throughtout your body.

Once you get up the flight of stairs, Equius points at your- Gamzee's room door and you open it and…

Oh dear God…

Gamzee hangs from the ceiling by a noose, limply swaying from side to side and you hear a woman scream.


	6. Judges Don't Trust Bleached Blondes

You hear a bloodcurdling scream echoing all around you and you close your eyes, covering your ears hoping it will go away because who would be screaming at a normal time like this? Not you!

You've just gotten home and Equius greeted you enthusiastically.

He wanted you to go upstairs with him so you did without question.

You got to Gamzee's room and saw Gamzee hanging there. Wait- Gamzee… _Hanging._

You re-open your eyes and realize that you're the one screaming, you voice goes hoarse and you collapse to the floor.

Tears well up in your eyes and you sit on the floor, waiting. Waiting for him to just… take off the noose and drop to the floor, laughing in your face.

As moments turn to minutes and minutes surely change to hours, you start to come to the realization that this… is a dream!

You feel two small arms wrap around your torso and you know that this is a dream.

You're going to wake up and you'll be in bed with Gamzee and he'll kiss you when you open your eyes and he won't be… d-dead.

You shut your eyes tight, hoping you disappear and you re-open your eyes but you're still… here.

"G-Gamzee… Stop it… This isn't funny anymore! Well… It wasn't really funny in the first place b-but…" You trail off shakily.

You wait a few seconds with no response and tears roll down your cheeks.

"GAMZEE!"

You try to stand but your legs are apparently jello so you fall back down on your ass.

 _Wake up. Why won't you wake up?_

You slowly collapse in on yourself, going into child's pose.

"Nepeta," You shoot up from the floor upon hearing a voice you don't recognise at first. "May I ask what happened?"

Fuck, how do you tell a kid about suicide? How do you tell a kid that that suicide was your fault?!

"H-He's sleeping… a-and so are we!"

 _Wow. Great cover. 10/10._

Now confused more than ever, Equius lets go of you and asks, "Why would he sleep there? And… Why are you crying?"

You wipe your tears away with the back of your hand and sigh, then chuckle in an attempt to make light of the situation you're in.

"Oh, I didn't see him at first and it scared me…"

Equius snorts which you assume is a chuckle, or you at least hope is a chuckle and you awkwardly divert eye contact from him, waiting for him to move on to a different topic.

When he doesn't, you move your attention back to Gamzee, who is no longer swaying in the air.

How long has he been hanging there? If you had come home earlier… could you have stopped him? Or were _you_ the reason he did it?

You shudder at the thought, though you know it's likely true.

 _Why haven't you woken up yet?_

You have to get out of here… You _have_ to get out of here… You have to get _out_ of here…

You take Equius's hand and rush downstairs with only one thing on your mind: _Gamzee is dead and it's all your fault…_

"Nepeta, where are we going?" He asks innocently to which you reply with a single word.

"Out,"

You grab the keys, open the door and walk the two of you outside and you lock the door.

You speed walk to the car, likely dragging Equius along. You open the door to the back seats and usher the troll into the car and get in.

Without hesitation, you get the car out of parking and start driving down the road.

Equius sits in silence, gazing out the window to his side.

You drive down the busy roads of New York, gripping the steering wheel as if you were strangling something as the sun begins setting in the corner of your eye.

Multiple times during the ride you force yourself to keep your eyes on the road and _not_ check to see if Equius is still in the car with you.

Multiple times during the ride, you force yourself to stay on the road because no matter how much you want to kill yourself, you couldn't kill a child.

So you stay on the road and keep your attention there and only there until you think you hear Equius stir.

Your hands start to shake because oh God he's gonna say something and you'll let the truth slip and everything will be ruined and it'll be all your fault…!

Shut up, shut up, shut up, Nepeta! Keep your focus on the task ahead of you.

You take a quick glance at the mirror above to see Equius staring at you like a deer in headlights.

"Equius, is everything alright?" You ask, praying to god that he isn't upset with you like Gamzee is was.

The child seems to come out of a sort of trance he was in, blinks a few times and looks away from the mirror and apologizes, looking through the window once again. "Yes, Miss. I STRONGLY believe that all is well."

A guilt begins gnawing away at your insides almost immediately and you can practically feel yourself being eaten alive by this lie.

You were hoping this wouldn't feel as bad as it does because children are supposed to be gullible little things but this child is not a human… He's a troll and he's a highblood at that.

You can't let this soften you though. You have to stay "strong" and make sure your kid doesn't know you indirectly killed your own boyfriend and then… Who knows what would happen?

Your hands start to shake just thinking about it… You've gotta keep a firm grip on the steering wheel, dammit.

Okay, okay. Just breathe… In… and out… In… and out… In… and watch out for that _TRUCK!_

You veer back into the correct lane, swallowing a shriek so as to not alarm the child in the car but Equius lets out a panicked whinny and you apologize, shooshing him gently.

You feel your heart pounding as you slowly pull into the mall parking lot.

You look back at your passenger with a forced smile because dear lord, you nearly killed yourself and he both.

"We're okay, honey. Don't worry."

You can't tell if you're trying to convince Equius or yourself that everything is okay now.

You get out of the car and as you walk to Equius's door, you quickly go over the brief list of things you're here for: _clothes and blonde hair dye. Simple._

As long as you don't have to see Gamzee's dangling body anymore, you think you'll be okay… For now.

You are now Gamzee Makara.

Your girlfriend just left the apartment, no doubt bringing that kid with her.

You lift up your head and slip from the rope noose holding you in the air and fall down to the carpeted floor.

You crack your neck to the left and right with a satisfied sigh and look around the room of the crime.

The ring is still on the floor as well as the box, which is strategically placed on the floor, away from the ring.

You chuckle to yourself, grabbing a sheet of lined paper to use as a 'suicide note' and pick up a pen to write said note.

You can't believe you only thought of this now…

You begin to write, adding the occasional shakiness of the hand to add 'emotion'.

Ater two simple lines are written, you fold the paper and place it by the fallen chair on the floor.

You'll come back to this scene later… For now, you think you'll take a little stroll around the apartment.

You walk down the stairs and examine the darkened area with a smirk.

 _This oughta teach her about saying no._

You approach the counter after flicking the switch and the apartment lights up like a christmas tree.

You chuckle to yourself as you watch the kitchen light up last and see an electronic hastily laid on the counter then pick it up.

 _Dumb bitch left her phone here in her hurry to leave… She's gonna regret leaving her only means of communication here with a 'dead' man._

You speed dial Feferi Peixes in a controlled anger, ready to lash out at any time.

This hoe better pick up or you swear to God…

"Hello?" Her annoying voice sounds with a bit of happiness that you plan to crush when she realizes you're not your girlfriend.

"Hello, Peixes." You respond with a hint of spite.

"Oh," She doesn't even bother hiding her disappointment in hearing your voice.

"Right back 'atcha, sis."

"Ugh," She groans. "I have _no_ idea how she _stands_ you!"

"'Cuz she fuckin' loves me. That's how. Now lemme talk to her."

A moment of silence. "Wait… She's not with you?" She asks, her attitude replaced with concern.

"She's not with _you_?"

"N-No," The woman stutters.

"You lyin' to me, Peixes?" You snarl.

"What?! No! Why would I lie to you about Nepeta's well being? She's my best friend!"

"An' she's _my_ girlfriend, bitch." You spit. "So if she's with ya, I better hear her voice now or so help me-"

"I don't know where she is, okay? Why do you always assume she's with me when she's not with you?"

"'Cuz she always wanna be 'round you, okay? She ain't neva' with me when you're there."

Feferi is silent for a few moments and you're tempted to hang up right then and there until she speaks again.

"Gamzee… I'm sorry but I have no idea where she is."

You sigh softly, your anger fading. "Awright. G-Goodbye." You utter before hanging up.

You drop Nepeta's phone back on the counter and drag your hand down your face.

You scared her away. _She left you for dead._ You're horrible. _She deserved it._ You're a monster. _You can't wait to see her face when she realizes it was a joke._ You're not yourself anymore.

You glance around the room again and your eyes settle on the fridge.

You walk over to said fridge and open the door, grabbing a can of beer and slam the door as you turn away.

You slink over to a chair and sit, cracking open a nice, cold beer.

You take a long swig from the can and swallow with a burp and a sigh.

Then, you hear a car slow and finally stop nearby.

That must be Nepeta and Eq-whatever-the-fuck..

You quickly put down your half empty beer on the table and hurry back up the stairs, leaving small differences throughout the house to let her know that you're still here.

You get to your room and hide in the closet, now just waiting for the fun to begin.

You are once again Nepeta Leijon.

… You're not entirely sure when you _weren't_ Nepeta Leijon but you don't think you're in the right mind to say so.

Eh, you probably just had another dissociative episode. Nothing new here.

You feel a tug on your pants that yanks you back a bit.

This kid really doesn't know his own strength, does he?

"Miss Nepeta, are you positive you're alright? I could take those bags from you." Equius says innocently.

You smile softly with a chuckle, looking down at your shaking arms which both carry three bags.

"Th-Thank you, dear."

Equius nods pridefully, taking the bags from you with easy which is the least surprising thing that's happened to you today.

Equius starts to walk to the apartment but you stop him with your voice. "Equius?"

He turns around, bewildered, the bags tossed in the air from the force of his spin.

"You don't have to call me Miss. Me and G- _I'm_ your new lusus so you can call me mom." When Equius stiffens at the word 'mom', you quickly take it back. "O-Or Nepeta, whichever makes you more comfortable! I mean… you already started calling me Nepeta without the title."

"O-Oh. The sincerest of apologies, Nepeta." Equius's cheeks flush and he nods humbly, continuing to walk to the apartment.

You take a deep breath, attempting to mentally prepare yourself for re-entering G- _his_ room to pack your things.

Calm down, Nepeta. You're just going into the room you and your dead boyfriend shared. Nothing unnerving about that at all! You're still dreaming, remember? Ha ha? Y-You mean ha ha!

You force yourself to walk to the door where Equius is waiting patiently.

You get to the door and raise a shaking hand towards the door knob.

Equius looks at you, his ears slightly back and you remind yourself that you are with a child and not to panic, then open the door.

Equius enters the apartment and you follow suit, watching every shadow of the house because you _swore_ you saw Gamzee.

You take Equius's hand and start to walk further into what now feels like a completely new environment to you.

You stop in your tracks, feeling a chill run down your spine as your eyes focus on the counter.

A can of beer sits in the middle of the counter that you swear to God wasn't there before.

You tentatively walk over to the table and pick up the… half empty can and quickly put it back down, getting goosebumps.

"Equius, I want you to follow me and stay close to me no matter what, okay?"

Equius nods to which you reply with "Good boy" and he gives you a brief toothy smile before you start to walk up the stairs.

The stairs creak under your feet and you flinch with every sound you hear, holding Equius's hand tighter.

You reach the top of the stairs and look around the second floor of the apartment that you're positive isn't yours anymore.

You glance to the bathroom then to the bedroom door and back to the bathroom.

You open the bedroom door and see that Gamzee isn't there anymore and…

 **Gamzee's not there.**

Your blood goes cold as you turn on the lights and oh God no, it wasn't an optical illusion.

Gamzee's hanging corpse is gone and you think you're gonna vomit.

You nearly spiral to the ground but then you see a note on the floor by the chair.

Did you… not see it before?

Oh god, it's a suicide note and it's gonna be him telling you it's all your fault and you know it's your fault… Everything is always your fault.

You hesitantly pick it up and unfold the note and start to read it.

It's short for what it is; sentences that appear to be only a few words each…

' _Y'know sis… For someone who was always afraid o' clowns, ya sure made yourself out to be one.'_

You drop the note to the floor and stomp on it shaking and proceed to get ready to leave quicker than before.

You have to get out of here. You have to get out of here. You have to get out of here.

You walk over to the bed and kneel onto the floor, reaching under the bed to pull out your suitcase: the one thing in your life that you still dare to call your own.

You open it and immediately go for the closet and dresser, grabbing as many outfits as you think you'll need to survive the week at the least, which is five.

You then grab some treasured items like pictures and your toothbrush and toothpaste from the bathroom and hairbrush from the bureau.

You take Equius with you back to the bathroom and tell him to put the bags down, which he does and you take out the hair dye that was eventually hidden by all of the clothes you bought for Equius and yourself.

You quickly grab some rubber gloves from one of your drawers and open the bag containing your key to identity change.

You grab a towel and wrap it around your shoulders and pick up your brush and hurriedly brush your hair, occasionally almost dropping the damn thing a few times.

You separate your hair into four sections and Equius watches, confused as if he were about to comment on what kind of strange ritual you were performing but he probably chose not to out of politeness.

You begin applying the hair dye as quickly as you can but as neatly as you can so your ginger hair doesn't show through at all.

Now you- Wait… You think you just heard something… Oh God oh no oh God.

Someone couldn't have gotten in, right? You locked the door and your apartment doesn't have many windows that you _don't_ keep locked.

You reach your hand to the door and open it slowly, just a crack oh GOD THAT'S SOMEONE'S FACE IN YOUR FACE CLOSE IT. CLOSE IT NOW.

You shut the door as quickly as humanly possible, your heart practically leaping into your throat.

"Is something the matter, Nepeta?"

You spin around and shush him. "Yes dear, everything's fine."

There's a bang on the door and you stumble away from the entrance of the room, nearly falling into the shower.

Your heart is pounding as you clutch the countertop and pull yourself back onto your feet.

He's alive. He's _alive._ **He's alive.** _ **Gamzee's alive…**_

You glance down at your child and smile through your fear. "Could you stay in here for a second? I need to check on G-Gamzee."

Equius nods and you open the door and rush into your boyfriend's arms, crying.

"Oh God, you're alive… Oh my _God_ , you're alive… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry I said no… I'm sorry I caused you so much pain… I'll never do that to you again…" You manage to pull yourself away from his chest for a brief moment in which Gamzee smiles down at you and strokes your cheek with his thumb.

"Of course I'm alive, baby. I'd neva leave ya like that… _If_ ya promise to never do that to me again, ya hear?"

"I won't… I promise…" You mutter, pulling him into a tight embrace, continuing to cry.

"Good."


	7. A Kat In A Box

It's been two days since Gamzee faked his own suicide and of course, being the weakling you are, you're still just as traumatized as you were on that God awful day.

You don't know which is worse: the fact that he was playing a joke on you or the fact that you were willing to join him in death if he was actually dead.

Whether the two of you would end up in the same place is anybody's guess but what matters is that he's alive and well.

Although, you wonder what a night alone would've been like…

No, no, _no_ , Nepeta! God, you are so ungrateful. You don't deserve him.

You sit up in bed and your hair is likely a mess but you don't think you really care.

You refused to get out of bed yesterday so Gamzee took care of Equius, surprisingly enthusiastic.

You told Gamzee to call you in sick but you don't think he ever made the call so you guess you should show up to work today just so you don't get fired.

You brush your ginger blonde bangs out of your eyes and lower your feet to the carpet and stand, now staring at the chair in the center of the room.

You can't wipe the image of Gamzee hanging by his neck from your mind. It flashes in your head again and you feel a tear fall down your cheek and you look back towards your sleeping boyfriend.

The guilt writhing in you is almost unbearable. The only thing that's keeping you from giving up and crying yourself to sleep again is that Equius needs you.

As caring as Gamzee is, he can also pack a punch- you mean, be a bit stern.

You think you'd rather let Gamzee rest today… and tomorrow… and the next day… and the next week… and the next month… and the next year!

He works hard, after all… He's got no job and he uses all of your money the money that he earns to buy drugs food.

Y-You mean… You love him…!

Gamzee tosses in the bed, muttering something that sounds like your name and you can't help but grin a bit.

See? He loves you! He does!

Since you don't feel like trying to find a new outfit, you just grab random shit around the room, hope it's yours and put it on.

The only reason you haven't been fired for failing to follow the dress code is because your boss is empathetic enough to see that you would actually die without this job.

You suddenly remember that you left your phone dormant for two days straight.

Realizing hat that isn't normal for you… or anyone your age, you bolt down the stairs and by bolt you mean walk a bit faster than normal.

You get to the bottom floor and sigh softly, looking over everything in sight with a laid back gaze.

Your eyes focus on your phone in the same place it's been for days.

You walk to the counter and pick up your phone, half-heartedly wondering if anybody's attempted to contact you when you know for a fact that nobody cares okay that's just selfish of you how could you think like that?!

You sigh softly yet again, opening up Pesterchum which has more notifications than expected.

They're mostly from the group but hey, there's some from Feferi, Terezi and Aradia individually.

You're enthusiastic to see what they said but it's likely them worrying about you and that makes you feel pretty horrible.

You stare at the screen blankly, hesitantly holding your finger above the screen.

You know you shouldn't be so nervous but something feels terribly wrong here.

Finally, you heave a long breath and tap on the group chat first.

 **canorousCannonball** **[** **CC** **] responded to memo 'General'**

CC: how was everyones day? 38)

 **gigglingCounsel** **[** **GC** **] responded to memo**

GC: M1N3 W4S OK4Y. 1 D1DN'T S33 TH3 H1GHL1GHT OF MY D4Y SO TH4T K1ND4 SUCKS. :[

 **adventurerAscended** **[** **AA** **] responded to memo**

AA: highlight of the day? 0u0

GC: N3P3T4, DUH.

CC: no nep? 38?

GC: NO N3P3T4.

CC: thats pretty weird she never misses work

AA: maybe shes dead?

CC: ARADIA

AA: i was joking!

GC: NO.

GC: JUST NO. NOT TH3 T1M3 FOR YOUR FUCK3D UP HUMOR.

AA: i was just trying to lighten the mood a little

GC: W3LL YOU D4RK3N3D TH3 MOOD 1NST34D.

GC: SM4SH3D 4LL TH3 L1GHT BULBS.

AA: sorry 0n0

CC: its fin

CC: aradia have you seen or talked to nep in the past few days?

AA: no i havent

AA: do you think she couldve gone missing?

AA: should we call the police?  
CC: i dont know

CC: maybe she got sick? people dont typically go on their phones when theyre sick because -EW G-ERMS

GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T'S JUST YOU, F3F3R1

AA: were diverting from the problem at hnd

AA: we need to figure out if nepeta is okay

GC: SH3'S R1GHT.

GC: WH4T SHOULD W3 DO? :?

CC: im not shore… we just have to approach this calmly

GC: S4YS YOU. :P

CC: I AM CLAM

CC: calm

GC: SUR3.

GC: BUT WHAT C4N W3 DO? 1F N3P3T4'S M1SS1NG, SH3 WOULDN'T H4V3 H3R PHON3. SO

GC: OH SW33T J3GUS.

CC: whats up tez?

GC: 1T'S VR1SK4.

AA: what about her?

GC: SH3 BROUGHT M3 MY PHONE 4ND…

CC: and?

GC: D4V3 T3XT3D M3 B4CK.

GC: GOTT4 GO.

 **gigglingCounsel [** **GC** **] ceased responding to the memo**

CC: omg he finally responded!

CC: i was dying FOR her whale she was wading

AA: i know! :D

CC: theyre so adorabubble! they clicked instantly!

CC: hope everyfin goes ocray tez! bye!

 **canorousCannonball [** **CC** **] ceased responding to the memo**

AA: i suppose ill go see what sollux is up to

 **adventurerAscended** **[** **AA** **] ceased responding to the memo**

Well… That was an interesting turn of events!

You tap off of the memo and your heart starts beating faster and faSTER SO you just tap on… TEREZI!

Yeah! That'll get your mind off of the fact that you loving her is inevitable and you'll never stop loving her so you can't escape but hey! Terezi's cool!

 **gigglingCounsel [** **GC** **] began pestering affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **]**

GC: H3Y N3P3T4.

GC: D1DN'T S33 YOU 4T WORK TOD4Y 4ND 1 W4S WOND3R1NG WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S UP?

GC: YOU N3V3R M1SS WORK.

GC: OH.

GC: BY TH3 W4Y… :]

GC: D4V3 G4V3 M3 H1S NUMB3R.

GC: 1 TH1NK H3 M1GHT B3… TH3 ON3?

GC: 1 DUNNO. M4YB3 1T'S JUST TH4T TH3 M4SS1V3 NUMB3R OF F41L3D D4T3S M4D3 M3 D3SP3R4T3 OR SOM3TH1NG.

GC: 4NYW4Y.

GC: JUST W4NT3D TO M4K3 SUR3 YOU 4R3 OK4Y.

GC: W3LP. 1'M NOT GONN4 GO ON 4 STR1D3R T4NG3NT.

GC: M3SS4G3 M3 WH3N YOU C4N.

 **gigglingCounsel [** **GC** **] ceased pestering affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **]**

 **adventurerAscended** **[** **AA** **] began pestering affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **]**

AA: hello nepeta!

AA: i want to apologize for the joke i made in the memo

AA: you know me and my bad jokes :D

AA: if you dont know what im talking about then check the group memo

AA: or dont

AA: whatever makes you happy

AA: anyway if youre okay message me asap

AA: were worried sick!

AA: later!

 **adventurerAscended** **[** **AA** **] ceased pestering affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **]**

You proceed to pretend you _aren't_ excited to see what Feferi has to say to you.

You fail to be not excited to see what Feferi has to say to you.

God, you're such a lovestruck fuck.

Why are you such a lovestruck fuck?

You sigh softly, resigning to your feelings and tap on the phone screen.

 **canorousCannonball [** **CC** **] began pestering affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **]**

CC: hey nep! 38)

CC: where have you been lately?

CC: weve been worried sick aboat you

CC: but mostly me 38;)

CC: i hope youre doing okay!

CC: i tried talking to gamzee but he didnt answer my calls or messages

CC: if he did something i swear…

CC: sorry

CC: i know he didnt do anyfin

CC: im just worried

CC: i dont want anyfin to happen to you

CC: here i wont even use fish puns to show my sincerity

CC: i love you nepeta

CC: i say that too much but i mean it every time

CC: please be careful

CC: i know youre not in danger

CC: im just scared heh

CC: let me stop rambling and leave you alone

CC: message me asap!

CC: BY-E!

CC: 3

 **canorousCannonball [** **CC** **] ceased pestering affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **]**

Your heart flutters as you read those last few messages.

She loves you!... As a friend…!

You put down your phone in silence and suddenly remember that your child is waiting for you so you spin around and walk back up the stairs.

You open the door to Equius's room and see just his horns poking out from under the sheets.

You watch him breathing silently for a few moments before you whisper his name.

"Equius?"

He moves a bit, his horns now turned towards you and his head still covered by blankets.

"Equius," You say in singsong.

The troll slowly moves his arms from under the blankets and pulls them from his head.

He looks at you with a sleepy smile.

"Good morning, Nepeta."

"Morning, sweetie. Ready for breakfast?"

Equius nods, his bedhead bouncing a bit as he sits up and prepares to leave the room.

You take your child's hand softly, walking him out of the room.

You glance at Gamzee's room for a moment before walking down the stairs with Equius.

You get to the bottom, nearly tripping yourself as you walk to the fridge.

Equius lets go of your hand and walks to the table, his hooves clopping on the floor.

You turn around and see him sitting down and ask, "Are you okay with scrambled eggs this morning?"

Equius nods humbly which makes you smile.

You open the door to the fridge and pull out the eggs and place the carton on the counter.

You grab a bowl and a whisp and open the carton carefully as if the eggs would explode if it wasn't opened correctly.

You hear a door close from upstairs and for some reason, you fear for your life?

Just start cracking the eggs. Maybe he won't get mad at you if you make yourself useful for once!

You crack a few eggs into the bowl and toss the shells into the compost then begin whisking as quickly as you can without messing anything up.

Gamzee comes downstairs without a sound and comes up behind you and wrAPS HIS ARMS AROUND YOUR WAIST OH GOD.

You jump, nearly spilling the egg yolks onto the floor but you _don't._

You look up at him and he's smiling down at you.

"Hey beautiful,"

"Morning, Gamzee…" You mutter while whisking in place.

"Watcha makin'?"

"Eggs,"

"Aw babe," He whines, swaying the both of you side to side as you frantically try to keep the bowl steady. "Can't we do somefin different fo' once?"

 _Somefin._

Your heart stops.

"I-I'm sorry?"

"I said, 'can't we do somefin diff'rent fo' once?' Ya know, how Feferi says shit. I thought you'd like hearin' a fish pun. Was I wrong in showin' that I care enough to help you fantasize 'bout your stupid lesbian friend?"

There he goes again with that lesbian shit!

"S-She's not a lesbian…"

"An' how the fuck you know that?"

"She dated Eridan," You state, visibly annoyed.

"So? I don't give a flyin' fuck who she dated! She's a goddamn dyke!"

"DON'T TALK ABOUT HER THAT WAY!"

Gamzee slaps you across the face. Hard.

You look at him miserably, his face full of anger then down to the floor where you dropped the eggs.

"You ain't eatin' today." He growls after slapping you again.

Gamzee turns to walk away, having knowingly defeated you quite easily when you see Equius stand and walk over to your boyfriend, Equius pulls on the back of Gamzee's pants.

Oh God.

Gamzee turns around menacingly.

Oh God no.

Suddenly, Equius reels back and punches Gamzee in the gut.

Gamzee falls to his knees with a grunt then falls back onto the floor and you cover your mouth, gasping.

"Equius! Why did you do that?!" You practically scream.

"He was hurting you." Equius states. "Is that not what you wanted?"

"N-No! He's gonna kill you! He's gonna kill me!"

Equius takes a hold of your arm and in an attempt to gently pull you down to the floor, he yanks you down instead.

"Uugh…" Gamzee groans.

Equius turns to Gamzee for a moment then back to you.

"It does not seem like he'll be getting up, much less killing anyone any time soon."

Is he sassing you?

He's sassing you!

Part of you wants to get angry with him but you just… can't.

You sigh and take a look at the mess you've made then to your boyfriend on the floor.

"Oh my God… I can't believe this is happ-"

Pap.

You look down to Equius and see his hand is on your cheek and you confirm with yourself that he just papped you.

You see a small indigo blush forming on his gray skin and you can't help but squee except on the inside.

"I-I apologize if that made you uncomfortable. I-I simply-"

"No, no, no! You're fine!"

Equius smiles a bit and takes his hand from your face.

You smile back at the child and allow him to pap you again because now all that's on your mind is Equius.

Thinking of Equius, you think you're gonna get Equius a checkup!... Aaafter work.

You are now Gamzee Makara and you were just punched out by a troll.

You stare at the ceiling, silently fuming.

You oughta beat that kid's ass. Or, at least you _would_ if not for the fact that you don't feel like moving.

You look around the room, watching your girlfriend freak the fuck out.

Then the kid puts his hand on your girl's face and what the fuck?

Nepeta's all calm and shit now… What is this? Some kind of alien bullshit?

Yooo… You think you wanna get one of those.

But where though?

Nepeta pats Eq- whatever on the head and leaves for work without cleaning her GODDAMN MESS.

She's just leaving it to you yet a fucking gain!

What a bitch.

What. A. Bitch.

Whatabitch.

You repeat that phrase to yourself a few times until you realize that you're alone with the kid.

Not that you _care_ or anything.

You look at it and it looks at you.

"The fuck you want?"

It looks away and you smirk slightly, chuckling once or twice.

"I don't like you," It says in it's weirdly gruff high pitched voice.

"The feelin's mutual." You mutter, grabbing a beer.

It's never too early to get drunk off your ass.

You pop the cap off effortlessly with your hand and start chugging the bottle.

"It is in your best interest that you do not hurt Nepeta again."

Is that kid threatening you?

That kid's threatening you!

"Oh yeah? And watchu gonna do 'bout it?"

"I'm not sure. We might just have to see."

Before you can retort, the kid just walks past you and goes upstairs, the bastard.

You can't help but just… stare as he slowly becomes out of sight.

You go to the counter and reach for the- oh right. Nepeta took the keys.

Damnit.

You guess you'll just walk.

You take your black and grey spotted sweatshirt from the chair and throw the hood over your head.

"Yo, kid." You shout up to him with no response. "Clean this shit up, k? Thanks."

You walk out the apartment and you are immediately bombarded by rain.

You click your tongue and walk onto the sidewalk, your vans clicking.

You watch cars drive by on the road, occasionally splashing you with dirty ass street rain.

You groan and roll your eyes whenever you're splashed, but you keep walking because who would curse out and/or flip off every driver that splashes water in your general direction? Not you!

You glance up for a second when you hear a boom of thunder then continue on your way because who gives a shit? Not you.

Just keep walking Makara. Keep on walking right into that cardboard box oh fuck.

You trip on the box but you don't fall cuz you ain't _that_ drunk and hear a yowl which makes you jump.

"The fuck?" You mutter to yourself as you inch towards the box.

A few people make a detour around you as you just stand there, staring at the box.

You look in the box and see a curled up cat with gray fur.

"Hey," You bark.

The cat's tail frizzes up and it sits up, glaring at you with bright yellow scleras.

It _is_ a troll… It's got nubby ass horns though.

Its eyes are big and gray with a little red in them.

You try to recall what it means when a troll's got red in its eyes from the numerous times Nepeta lectured you about trolls and you didn't listen.

It doesn't work.

It takes one moment for it to hiss at you and curl back up in its raggedy ass box.

"Yo, I ain't done witchy!" You bend down to pick up the troll and it immediately retaliates and scratches you three times on the face and you scream "FUCK" and drop it back in the box.

The troll hisses, its ears pinned back and its tail is wrapped around itself.

You roll your eyes at it and in a fit of rage, you shout, "I'M TRYNA HELP, UNGRATEFUL PIECE A SHIT! YOU WANT A HOME OR NOT?!"

The troll cat thing stops hissing and looks up at you, curiosity in its eyes.

"Oh _now_ you like me. Aight. Come on."

You hold your arms out to the troll with a stupid ass grin on your face, trying to seem trustworthy enough for this stubborn kid.

The troll flinches away for a second so you extend your arms further so it can smell you or something.

It cringes and sneezes which you guess is from your trademark weed and beer smell but it quickly gets over itself, rolls its eyes back at you and crawls into your arms.

You feel blood dripping from the wounds which freaks the little guy out a bit so you just hold it tighter as you walk back to the apartment.

"What's your name?" You ask it out of the blue without even intending to.

It casts you a weird look and shakes its head.

Something tells you it doesn't want to talk.

Well… You didn't wanna know if it even had a name in the first place! Yeah!

The little troll shivers in your grasp as it is pelted by rain.

A part of you wants to just sort of… kinda… cover it up and protect it?

"Hold up," You say as you stop walking and place it on the ground.

The troll looks up at you, clearly confused as you start taking off your sweatshirt.

As soon as it's off, you feel the cold rain on your hair and skin.

You cover the troll with the sweatshirt and it curls up in it, tension leaving its body until there's another boom and it digs its claws into your arm.

The troll in your arm shivers and makes a weirdly pathetic sound so you sorta just… pet it?

Why is this thing so motherfucking cute?

You ask yourself this multiple times in a row until you realize that you don't have an answer nor ever had one in the first place.

Are you softening up? No, you couldn't let a troll do that.

As you continue walking on the sidewalk, you feel the troll breathing in your hold.

It might be sleeping…

Before you can get too emotionally invested, you reach the apartment.

You really didn't travel far. Oops.

You put down the troll on the floor after opening the door and look down at it.

"Hey," You say to it.

It ignores you. Yet a fucking gain.

You have a feeling it's gonna be a long day.


	8. A Change In Perspective

Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you can't see a thing.

Not because you're blind or anything!

It would be foolish of you to think about how you can't see at this point in your life if you were blind, which you're _not._

To put it simply, your eyesight is blocked.

Why can't' you see again? Oh, right. _Vriska._

A troll sits on your shoulder, covering your eyes with her fluffy tail, occasionally snickering.

You could easily move her tail but that wouldn't be as much fun for the both of you but mostly the kid.

"Vriska,"

Snicker.

"Vriska…" You warn her.

Chuckle.

"Vriiiiiiiiska," You draw out her name, imitating her quirk.

"Whaaaaaaaat?"

"Would you be so kind as to move your tail off of my face?"

"No idea what you're talking about, sis."

Not that she's even close to being your biological sister…

You literally coined the term 'Scourge Sisters' for your relationship with the troll girl by flipping a coin.

Flipping coins is kind of your trademark thing (Thing™).

Anyone who flips coins in the past, present and future stole your idea.

If anyone _did_ do so, you would bring that up with your mother and well… the rest is history.

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about," You smirk which consequently ends with Vriska's hair in your mouth.

You sputter, attempting to get the stray hairs off of your tongue which tickles her.

"Hey, sis, stoppit!" She exclaims with a twitch of her tail.

"Stop what? _This_?" You purposefully blow on her tail and Vriska makes a hissing sound.

"Yes! That!"

You laugh to yourself and you feel the troll lose her balance, her claws digging into your shirt.

"What're you laughin' at?"

"Obviously you, hon?" You say with a smile.

"Well! You're not gonna be laughing when I do this!"

You glance to the side upon feeling the atmosphere become more electric.

 _She's trying to use her mind control again._

You can practically see her index and pointer fingers (claws?) on her temples and you can just tell that she's making some ridiculous face.

You turn your head a bit to see exactly what you described to yourself.

She's got her ears pinned back, biting her bottom lip in concentration.

"You _do_ remember that doesn't work, right?"

Vriska continues to ignore you in her childish ways, fruitlessly attempting to 'manipul8' you.

"Maybe if you stop talking, it'll work."

"Doubt it."

"Shut up!"

Vriska jumps from your shoulder onto your lap and you can suddenly see again.

You look down at her and you can tell that she won't be giving up any time soon.

Unless…

You notice that Vriska is holding something and you can't help but wonder oh it's your phone.

Vriska stole your phone. Again.

"Vriska."

Nothing.

"Vriiiiiiiiska,"

Nothing!

You're about to give up and just pap her until you get an idea.

You clear your throat and prepare your best impression of her previous owner, Aranea Serket.

"Spinneret."

Vriska's eye snaps open, her iris now a slit and she frantically looks around for Aranea.

Her ears flatten and you think you see cerulean tears starting to well up in her eye.

Oh God, oh no, oh God… What have you done?

Vriska shuts her eye tight, shaking slightly as cerulean tears roll down her cheeks.

She suddenly shouts, "My name is _Vriska!_ " and with that, she starts sobbing so you start panicking.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey… It was a joke, Vris! Just a joke! You know… The kind you laugh at?"

"It's not funnyyy!" She cries, glaring at you through her tears.

A guiltiness crawls its way up and you hold Vriska in your arms, shooshing.

God, you suck. You should've known that would be a trigger for her.

 _Damn that Aranea Serket…_

You instinctively pick up Vriska from your lap, cradling and rocking the troll girl.

Vriska, however, continues to cry.

You've never seen Vriska like this…

Well… Not by your own doing… That Tavros kid always managed to get her worked up but… _Not like this._

You look down at her as she starts to calm down, curling up in your hold.

She wraps her tail around herself and you sigh softly, watching her breathe.

Eventually, she calms down enough to form coherent sentences rather than blubbering like a baby.

The first thing she does is ask you a question and the fourth thing she does is laugh at you.

You will take note of these events as they happen.

"Tez?"

"Yeah, Vriska?"

"Why did you do that?"

You roll your eyes, exaggerating the action just so she can take a hint and settle down on the obnoxiousness department.

"Because otherwise you would keep hiding what you're hiding from me."

" _I'm_ not hiding anything!" She lies.

"Vriska," You warn her.

"Terezi," She mocks you.

"Give me my phone or no cookies."

The troll girl gasps audibly, hesitates then smirks.

"Give me cookies or you don't get to see what that Strider dude said to you."

Your heart starts racing as soon as she says Strider.

 _He responded!_... Not that you care or anything.

You type to the group memo that consists of your best friends of this important thing that just happened to you as well as message Nepeta privately because you haven't seen her and you don't want to wait to tell her specifically.

Thinking about his flowing blonde hair, those amber eyes under his shades, those adorable freckles that cover practically all of his face…

"Give me the phone," You find yourself blurting out.

"Why?"

"Because I said so?"

"Nah."

You groan in frustration, Vriska giggling in response.

How are you gonna do this- Oh wait you can just grab it from her.

You snatch your cellular device from her grasp and laugh triumphantly.

Vriska stomps her foot (paw?) and mutters something you don't understand.

You turn your phone on and there are… no notifications.

You blink a few times and open up your messages with Dave.

… And there's nothing.

Your disappointment must have shown through because Vriska starts to guffaw.

"Oh my GOD, your _face!_ "

Your face flushes bright red and you look down at the floor in shame.

"Come on, Tez! It was a joke! You know… The kind you laugh at?" She imitates past you.

Okay, you suppose you deserve that.

"Alright. You got me." You force a smile and a chuckle.

It seems as if you underestimated Vriska's ability to detect your feeble attempts at hiding your emotions, cause after you respond to her jeering, she immediately freezes up and takes a look at you, tilting her head to the side.

"What's wroooooooong?" She asks nosily, as if she were your weekly therapist or something.

For a second, she seems genuinely concerned until she notices that you're staring and she just looks down at her nails (claws?) and picks at them.

You sigh softly, walking over to her and ruffling her unbelievably long mane. "Relax, it's nothing."  
As you continue towards the kitchen to make yourself a snack, you can practically feel Vriska's skeptical gaze drilling holes into your back.

"Judging by that blush on your face when I mentioned _Strider_ , it didn't _seem_ like nothing."  
You put all of your energy at this moment into blocking out Vriska's suspicions, grabbing the ingredients from your fridge to make a sandwich.

 _Ham, cheese, tomato, and now_ Vriska is tugging at your shirt, goddamnit.  
"Vriska, I swear to God-"  
She cuts you off immediately, making that whining sound that she usually makes when you force her into getting a haircut or eating her vegetables.  
"Come _on_ , stop being aloof with me!"  
When you don't answer her further, she goes into her own ramble, raising a hand up pretentiously as she drawls on.

"Y'know, I really can't see why you're making a big deal about this guy anyways. To me, he seems like all the others who blew you off on those blind dates. Same cocky attitude, good looks, and seemingly no brain-"  
You immediately spin around to face her but before you yell at her, you realize that you're getting worked up over a guy that you practically just met.

 _You really_ _ **are**_ _desperate…_

You deflate yourself like a balloon and look at Vriska sternly until she realizes you are not happy with her.  
"You've never even met him." You point out, sticking to the facts in hopes that you can still sound like the mature and reasonable one here.

Vriska simply shrugs at your statement, walking over to a nearby countertop and climbing the cabinets onto it, sitting down indian style. "Don't need to. The pictures tell me eeeeeeeeverything."  
"Mind telling me how?" You retort, placing a hand on your hip and looking at her expectantly.

"He looks like a douche. Therefore, he is a douche because I say so."  
"How can you tell if he looks like a douche when you only have one eye to look at him with?"  
"Well DUH, I still have one good eye!" She points to it with one of her tiny fingers to emphasize her point.

"And I'm glad you do. I'd've murdered Aranea long ago if she left you with no eyes."  
Vriska cackles a bit, tossing her head back in laughter. "Well, it woulda been her loss, having a slave who can't SEE."  
You stifle a chuckle at that statement and go back to the ingredients still laying in front of you, making a small sandwich for yourself to snack on.  
"Hey Vriska, you want a sandwich?" You ask her conscientiously.  
"Nah, but I'll take half of yours."

Smirking, you take a fairly dull knife and use it to cut your snack exactly in half because otherwise, Vriska would throw a fit.

You pick up one of the halves and hold it up, showing it to Vriska.

Vriska's eye widens as her eyebrows raise in excitement, her tongue sticking out between her fangs.

You fake the kid out, earning a death glare until you toss it to her.

For a good few seconds you were thinking to yourself, 'this is a good idea'...

That did not last nearly as long as anticipated because you recalled Vriska's depth perception, or lack thereof.

The sandwich hits her dead in the center of her face and you have to cover your mouth to keep from laughing _too_ loudly.

Vriska glances down at the ingredients of the sandwich, now on the floor briefly as if she were analyzing it before shrugging and eating the sandwich off of the floor anyway.

"Vriska!"

"What?" She responds, still chewing.

"I could have made you another.

"Five second rule!" She says which sounds more like "Fye shepard rue" as she spits crumbs.

After she finishes chomping away at her snack, she licks her lips then looks up at you with her big grey eye.  
You glance to the eyepatch covering her right eye and wince, remembering when you first rescued Vriska.

It was a tough few weeks…

A two-faced woman, a nearly defenseless troll and a court case that seemed to last forever.

Vriska was a tender three sweeps then…

At that point in a child's life, you make it or break it. And when that Aranea Serket broke Vriska, you were determined to break _her._

After all that, her only punishment was community service.

You look at your Vriska and see a little girl who is damaged beyond repair both physically and emotionally.

Well… not physically. You could always-

"I ain't gettin' that glass eye, Tez."

"Wh-"

For a moment, you wonder if she actually _did_ read your mind and then you remember that trolls her age wouldn't have developed that ability yet.

Or at least, she _shouldn't_ have.

"Vriska, is there something you aren't telling me?"

"Nah, I just have a good int- intyu… en… ent-yu-ish-on."

" _Intuition?_ " You correct her.

"Tomato, tomahto."

You take the stagger in the conversation to check the time, mostly to see just how much you've wasted on yet another scatterbrained chat.

 _4:13._

Okay, not as much as you thought but _still_.

"So, Tez," You turn back around to face Vriska again. "I was thinking that we should go to the vet today. Y'know, for my eye."

Vriska actually wanting to go to the vet isn't so new to you… Not anymore, at least.

Ever since that doofy guy John started showing his face more, she's been keeping track of the appointments you make.

It's painfully obvious that she's crushing on this guy so… you can't help but fuel it.

"For your eye, huh?"

"Y-Yeah! Totally. Why wouldn't it be for my eye, Terezi?" Vriska stutters, a sky blue blush fading in on her cheeks.

You stifle a chuckle which makes her even more flustered, causing the tips of her ears to get a blue hue as well.  
"Are you sure it's not just because you're eager to see a certain _someone_ who works at the veterinary?" You tease Vriska, making sure to waggle your eyebrows for extra taunting efficiency.

Vriska freezes up for a moment at this accusation, playing it off moments after, crossing her arms and scoffing in true 'tsundere' fashion as your boyfr- FUCK YOU MEAN FRIEND- would probably say…

"Y-Yeah right, like I can handle being around anyone there if it weren't for my health."  
"Oh, so I guess John is chopped liver then?" You pose to Vriska before taking a delicious bite out of your sandwich.  
She turns back towards you and scrunches up her nose in sassy confusion. " _What?"  
_ "It's an expression, Vrisk." You roll your eyes, smirking at her.

"Meaning?"

You pause for a moment, finding a way to simplify the metaphor.

"Since you insist that your health is the only reason you're cooperating, John means nothing to you?"

Vriska's face contorts with confusion then to flustered anger.

"Sh-shut up!"

The color on her face grows to an intense cerulean, her blood color.

You let yourself cackle for a few moments then you look down at Vriska, who is staring at you intently.

"Alright, let's go."

Vriska's face lights up immediately and she dashes into the kitchen, nearly colliding with one of the chairs.

She leaps onto one of the countertops and flicks her tail confidently before latching onto a cabinet door and swings it open along with herself into the air.

"Dammit!" She exclaims as her tail dangles close to the floor.

You're tempted to warn her about her language but that's not incredibly important at the moment. You know her friends.

"Ya need help there, Vrisk?" You ask, taking a few steps toward the troll girl before she retaliates.

"No! I got it!" Vriska swings a leg back onto the counter top, shakily using the cabinet to pull herself up. "See?"

Vriska stands on her tiptoes and takes the keys off of their holder, jumps back to the floor and tosses them at you, slightly off target.

You, having proper depth perception, catch them in your hand and head out of the door, beckoning Vriska along over your shoulder as you head out, your heels clicking.

As you're walking, you feel your ankle get grazed by the troll's tail and before you know it, she is bouncing excitedly by the passenger's side, quite obviously waiting for you.

You shake your head, chuckling as you walk past her and open a door to the back seats of the vehicle.

Vriska stares at you, disappointment practically written on her face.

"C'mon, Tez! Let me ride shotgun just once! I'll be good!"

You are silent for a moment, pretending to entertain the option.

"Nah," You dismiss, picking her up while she flails and nearly stabs you with her horns a few times.

You place her on a seat and fasten her in before she can escape then close the door.

You cross to the driver's side, open and close the door and begin driving.

You glance at the mirror, making sure Vriska is being as well behaved as she can be.

She's complaining a bit so as you slow to a stop at a red light, you cast her a warning glare and she quiets down for a bit.

Keeping your eyes locked on the road, you don't notice Vriska unbuckle her seatbelt and crawl to the seat next to you wait what.

In the corner of your eye, you see Vriska smugly watching the road. "Vriska, go sit down."

"I _am_ sitting down, sis!"

Refusing to take your eyes off of the road like an adult, you speak firmly. "In _your_ seat."

"I'm sitting in this seat so this seat is mine!"

"In the back, Vriska."

"But-"

"I don't want you getting hurt. Go in the back."

After a few moments of silence, Vriska resigns and returns to the back and you hold your breath until you hear a faint click. " _Thank_ you."

In the mirror, you see Vriska cross her arms and you hear her huff as she stares out of the window at her side.

At the next light, you slow to a stop and three is not one moment of peace before she jolts up and asks, "Are we there yet?"

"No, Vriska. Not yet."

"Will we be there soon?"

"Yes, Vriska. We'll be there soon."

A few moments pass and it seems like Vriska was satisfied with that answer so you fixate your eyes on the traffic light.

"How soon?"

"Soon."

Vriska eventually stops pestering you, letting you drive without distractions, which is a rarity in of itself.

You pull into the parking lot, turn off the engine and look back at Vriska starting out of the window again.

"Vriska, honey, we're here."

Vriska slowly turns her head to you, looking almost guilty. "Are you mad at me?"

Shocked by the question, you stutter out your answer. "N-No."

Once she processes your reply, her expression does a complete one-eighty and she returns to her hubristic self.

 _Good thing, too. You were starting to get worried._

"Good! I would hate to get on my sister's nerves. Now let's go!"

Vriska takes off her seatbelt and you follow suit, exiting the car and watching her closely before she can take off.

You see a little twitch in her tail and her eyes narrow as a smirk grows on her face so you immediately reach and grab her hand.

"Oh, come on, Tez! I'm not a wriggler."

Ignoring the wriggler, you cross the parking lot, holding Vriska's hand and watch as her annoyance melts into excitement when she looks up at you and you honestly can't help but grin back.

You open the door, a soft chime signaling your arrival and catching the attention of the dork at the desk.

His bright blue eyes shimmer when he sees you and your little Vriska and turns back to the corner and seemingly speaks to no one. "See? I told you he would show up with Vriska on time."

Your heart starts to sink a bit and you admit to yourself that this is how it's always going to be but you feel as if you should correct him anyway… You know him well enough to trust him. You think.

"Um, actually…" You start before you are interrupted by the blonde woman in front of you.

"She," She corrects and you feel your heart stop for a good few seconds.

 _HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT?!_

John rubs the back of his neck nervously. "Ah, shit. Sorry, Terezi. Keep mixing up Dave's pronouns with yours."

In the back of the room, you see the tall, thin girl with cocoa brown skin like her brother's, long pitch black hair and emerald eyes, Jade, walk into view, holding the short, pale and chubby girl with lavender eyes and dirty blonde hair, Rose's hand, conversing.

You take a moment to process what he just said.

How in the hell does one confuse two entirely different people?

Why would he confuse his best friend's pronouns in the first place?

Dave isn't… Is he? No, no… It's probably just an Egbert thing…

You are pulled back into the present by Vriska tugging on your pant leg and you see that John is no longer at the desk but now he is by Vriska's side, bending down to her height.

"Hello, Vriska."

"Hi John." Vriska says quickly, darting her eye around the room, looking everywhere but at John.

He stands back up and God he is even taller and lankier than you remember.

John glances back at the other girls and calls back to them while walking into the hallway, Vriska following him. "Could one of you run the desk for me while I'm gone? Thanks bye!"

You analyze the blonde haired woman for a few seconds and come to the conclusion that she is in fact Nepeta.

Why is she- Oh your God is that a troll with her?


	9. A Friend In Need Is A Friend In Deed

Before you can remind yourself or, truthfully begin to care that you are in public, you shout Nepeta's name and rush over to her before John even gets the chance to leave the room.

"Terezi-" Says Nepeta in her usual anxious stutter.

"Nepeta," You mock playfully.

Quite clearly unsure what to say next, she darts her eyes and mutters, "What're you doing here?"

Wrapping your arm around the small girl's even smaller shoulders makes you a bit jealous, frankly.

You wish you had that small a form.

"I was gonna ask you the same thing! With a new companion no less!"

You glance down to the small troll before kneeling down and taking a good look at him.

You are ever so evidently making the little boy uncomfortable and the little Vriska jealous so you smirk and finally gaze into the kid's eyes.

You see his obviously yellow scleras and his eyes are still very much grey so he is definitely a child.

Then, you notice the dark blue speckles within the grow and draw away from him, shocked.

And you thought _Vriska_ was rare! Nepeta got her hands on an _indigo_ and she didn't tell?!

"Whaaat?" Vriska draws her question out to express annoyance; likely because you aren't paying her any mind at the moment.

"How'd you find him?" You ask popping back up on your feet, much to Nepeta's surprise.

"I saved him!" She replies quickly as if she had to rehearse that simple sentence in her head; most likely before you even started speaking. Poor girl.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Egbert grab a folder of files, presumably Vriska's.

"What's so special about him? Higher caste than me?" Vriska spits, not even attempting to hide her jealousy.

"Actually, yes!" You chuckle.

You watch Vriska's contempt and disbelief melt into something much more like confusion and awe, her mouth opening wide and revealing her razor sharp fangs.

"Well…" She pauses, searching for a retort. When she has none, she goes with the obvious lingering question. "What _is_ he then?"

"Indigo," The troll boy speaks up. His voice is gruff. Small but powerful. Seems typical of a highblood.

"HUH?!" After realizing that she let an outburst slip, Vriska clears her throat and pretends not to care but totally continues to care. "It's just one shade. Whatever."

"It seems one shade is enough to make a world of a difference between you and I, does it not?"

"EQUIUS!" Nepeta shouts sternly, glancing around sheepishly and scoops the boy up.

Nepeta is blushing profusely, clearly as confused as you are; most likely more.

"I'm so sorry- I don't know why he's acting this way. He is usually such a gentleman…" Her olive eyes glance down to the boy and narrow, giving him a nonverbal warning.

Saying nothing and seeming quite nonchalant, he stares right back at Nepeta who grows flustered quickly.

You all take notice of John, especially Vriska.

"Alright, gang! We ready?"

"Yes! Very." Vriska glances back at… _Equius_ with a hint of spite then back up to you, her tail flicking with an annoyance that you frankly sympathize with.

Vriska jumps into John's arms with an affection that you have never seen before.

John, that nerd, looks a bit confused and chuckles, hesitantly putting her down and brushing off the folder. Documents and such.

He then glances to Nepeta, recognizing that she's new here and begins skimming through the Vriska Portfolio, finally pulling out some papers from the near middle and handing them to her with a toothy smile.

"Here's some paperwork ya gotta fill out if you want to be a regular. Basic stuff. My sister Jade or Rose can help you out as long as they quit snogging for two seconds!" He jokingly spins around to prod at the girls.

Quickly realizing that they were caught red-handed (and red lipstick'd?), they seperate themselves.

Rose and Jade exchange glances as if to say 'Parting is such sweet sorrow'. Like they aren't gonna see each other again in five minutes.

However, Jade, being more social of the two walks over to her brother, accepting the pile of paperwork and adjusts her focus to Nepeta and showing her the works of this clinic.

"Okay, that's all taken care of. Can we go now? Pleeeease?"

John chuckles nervously at Vriska's impatience, turns and walks into the winding hallway, filled with multiple doors that lead to their own examination rooms.

You wave to Nepeta and she smiles but it is so incredibly forced, you could _smell_ it- if it were humanly possible. But it's not. So you can't.

John, being Vriska's regular vet for as long as you can recall has gotten to know her and yourself quite well. Maybe _too_ well for you to be falling for his best friend.

As much as you would prefer thinking about other shit, your mind drifts back to that little Equius boy.

You thought trolls were dying out… So why is this kid _hemophobic_? Especially to one who is a shade lower than him. One fucking shade!

You just don't understand kids these days.

The three of you get to the door marked J. Egbert.

J. Egbert opens it and Vriska leaps onto the table making a content little "mrrp" sound and sits down obediently.

"Alright, Vriska. Any pain today or any time since I last saw ya?" John asks, kneeling down to her level because _damn_ he is _tall_.

"Well…" Vriska starts, twiddling her thumbs. "A little"

Huh? She was having eye pain and she didn't inform you?

John, who seems as surprised as you are, further inquires, "Where does it hurt?"

"Riiiight…" She moves her hand through the air to create suspense and… "Here" she places her hand on… her… blood pusher- heart.

You roll your eyes towards a confused John who, upon understanding the joke, snorts.

Vriska's face lights up with a mischievous smile, knowing full well that she worried you both.

Clearing his throat, John returns to being a vet rather than a goofball and carefully takes off Vriska's eyepatch, revealing the burnt blue scar surrounding her eye socket.

This task is something she won't even let _you_ do.

Only John can go anywhere relatively close to that.

You tried.

She bit you.

… It's definitely not that you're jealous or anything foolish like that!

You just… kinda wish she'd let _you_ help her too.

Nevermind that… You watch the vet carefully graze his fingertips over the scar, checking for any sign of injury or irritation.

Seeing as there was none, John smiles and scribbles something down on Vriska's chart.

John then picks up the flashlight-like tool, turns it on and warns Vriska. "Vriska, I'm going to shine a light in your other eye. Now-"

"Blah, blah, blah. Routine stuff. I got it. I will _always_ cooperate with you, John."

Per usual, Vriska cannot stand straying from the purpose of her situation and would prefer to get this visit over with as soon as possible.

John chuckles nervously, darting his eyes around the room when she bats her eyes at him.

He hardly reaches (given that his arms are so lanky) over to the counter and picks up the flashlight tool and turning it on.

"Look down," He says with that same infectiously enthusiastic demeanor as always. "Look up- just your eyes, Vriska. Look left. Aaand look right." John turns it back off and tell Vriska to blink a few times.

After placing the flashlight back down, he washes his hands thoroughly and writes down a few more notes.

He puts down the clipboard, nodding and giving you the signal to go up front and pay.

You're surprised that you need to pay for these types of visits _every_ time but hey, every company's gotta make a living somehow.

"One day, I'm gonna leave a nice and big blue lipstick stain on that dorky face of yours, John! Just you wait." Vriska says before jumping back down to the floor.

"I'm sure you will" John replies to Vriska's extremely forward taunt with an awkwardness that he can't hide no matter how hard he tries.

Of course, though, Vriska doesn't catch on and perceives it as more flirtatious banter and sashays out of the room.

You offer John a bit of an apologetic look for Vriska's… Vriskaness but he simply brushes it off as always.

At some point, somebody's gotta break it to her and, knowing John it will probably have to be you.

You playfully shove John with a little trademark cackle and you are on your way.

You see Nepeta in the waiting room, Equius sitting by her awfully like a gentleman.

Upon seeing the indigo troll, Vriska's hair stands on end, puffing up ever so slightly.

"Vriska, hon, you know you can just hang by me if you don't want to interact with him. You aren't obligated to make friends with him just because I'm friends with Nepeta. This will only take a second."

Vriska scoffs at you, insulted, as if you just labeled Equius as her first kismesis then shakes her head. "No, Tez. I gotta take care of this casteist…" You give Vriska a look knowing that she is about to say 'asshole' and she rolls her eye. " _Butthole_ myself."

You roll your eyes right back at her. "Alright. But don't come crying to me in a few seconds when you cause trouble."

"I. Don't. Cry." Vriska hisses then, seeming hesitant, walks in to confront Equius and slipping her eyepatch back on.

Could Vriska be capable of handling this situation?

You let yourself smile and wit for her to start talking before you walk into the waiting room as well.

You greet Jade behind the desk and pay, half committing to a conversation with the girl, half listening to Vriska's conversation with Equius.

…Okay, it's actually more like twenty five to seventy five.

"Listen." You hear Vriska star again after a decently long pause. "I don't understand why you think caste matters. 'Specially if you're one little shade of blue apart from someone, _ahem_ , me. I dunno about you but I… havent seen too many trolls around these days. My guess is that they're hiding. Or worse, dead. So, we're pretty darn lucky to have homes. That's… at least one thing we have in common. So. Y'know. Think about it."

Wow. She actually handled that maturely. She didn't throw even one insult at him. Could Vriska be growing up?

You expect Equius to say something, anything at all but moments pass by and there's no response. It seems that Vriska was expecting something as well because she suddenly blurts out, "Or don't! I don't care, _Your Highness_ " then stomps over and pulls your pant leg.

"Let's go." Vriska mutters dejectedly.

"Welp. Vriska calls. Thanks again, guys. Uh. Say hi to Dave for me?" You add, blushing.

"Gotcha!" Jade says with a wink.

Vriska, not wanting to wait for you any longer, walks out of the clinic to presumably wait by the car.

"Talk to you later, Nepeta."

Nepeta nods with a silent smile and continues filling out the paperwork for Equius; with that, you walk out of the clinic and to Vriska.

You let her climb inside the car and start driving the both of you home.

As you slow at a stoplight, you glance back at Vriska and see that she's pretty downtrodden. Looking back at the road again, you frown and speak to attempt to cheer her up.

"I _am_ proud of you, you know."

Vriska perks up. "Huh?"

"You handled that like a big girl. I think even the boy was impressed."

"You didn't see how he looked at me, Tez... Either way, I wasn't _trying_ to impress him, I was trying to make him _see reason_."

That is true. You _didn't_ see how that conversation went.

"Well… Some people are more stubborn with certain issues. Like him, for example. And you." You add playfully.

"I am _not_ … Okay, yeah. I guess."

"I'm positive that Nepeta is doing her best to reconstruct his values."

"I should've _reconstructed_ his thinkpan when I had the chance." Vriska snarls.

"No, Vriska, that's a terrible idea."

"Fine! Okay! Jeez!"

For the rest of the ride home, Vriska stayed quiet. The car was eerily silent for a while until you hear your phone vibrate. Someone texted you.

Practically jumping at the opportunity to break the silence as well as be _nosey_ , Vriska unbuckles her seatbelt, snatches your phone and sits back in her seat despite your protest. "I got it, sis!"

You groan, aching to pull into your driveway already so that you can condemn Vriska from touching your phone ever again even though you know that won't change anything.

"Ooooooooh~! You got a text from Dave! Oh. And from Nepeta too, I guess."

You feel your cheeks heating up. "Okay. Thank you Vris, but I can read them in my own time."

"But Tez!"

"Absolutely not."

You are now Nepeta Leijon and GOD your tiny wrist hurts so bad. You're getting just a _little_ tired of writing in the same information over and over again. Equius, who, by the way, you aren't pleased with right now, has offered multiple times to fill in things for you. You're not sure what the boy's handwriting is like but you're pretty sure yours is much more legible. Also, letting him write is illegal, you think.

Eventually, you finish all the paperwork and hand it all to who you think is Rose.

For maybe a second, you think about getting Equius caught up on his shots and stuff but you quickly knock sense back into yourself.

You shouldn't be here too long… Gamzee will get worried again and you hate hurting him like that.

You beckon Equius over and he obediently follows you out of the clinic.

You have to wonder where this boy adopted his casteist attitude.

You were hoping that little Vriska would be his friend, but it seems that even one shade is enough to throw him off.

You help Equius into the car and close the door. When you open the door to the driver's side, you see he's in the passenger's seat; bewildered, you climb in to talk to him.

"Equius, honey, you can't sit up here."

"Why ever not? Hor- Shoot. I mean, my old owner let me sit in front as well."

You can't help your nose crinkling in disapproval when you hear him say that. "That wasn't very responsible of him."

"Not… Responsible, Miss Nepeta?" Equius asks innocently.

"Putting a child in the front seat is illegal."

Equius gives you another look of hopelessly adorable tilted head confusion, his horn very nearly poking your eye out so… you back away just a tiny bit.

"What I mean is, sweetie, putting you in the front isn't safe. Until you're older at least."

"Ah, I see," Equius says, seeming a bit disappointed but listens to you anyway and climbs into the backseat.

You smile at him over your shoulder and start up the car.

After a few minutes of silent driving, you assume that Equius was going to wait until you get home to say something. However…

"Er- Pardon me, Miss Nepeta but. Do you believe I was crude to, er-"

"Vriska."

"Vriska?" He ends his question with your help and you take a moment to think.

"Well, I know that it took a lot for her to talk to you like that and speak her mind. She can be pretty rude, but, like you, she means well. Most of the time." You slip that last remark in, hoping that he doesn't notice.

Equius is silent again for a long while and to be frank, him talking again caught you offguard for more reasons than one.

"I wish to befriend her." He states matter of factly.

You smile brightly. "I'll let Terezi know once we get home, okay?"

"Yes. but… What do I say to her?"

"Well, I guess you should start with 'sorry'. After that, I'll help you as much as you need."

Equius nods, a hint of a smile now on his face.

You finally arrive home, pick up your purse and let Equius out of the car.

You take out your jingling keys and unlock the door to be immediately bombarded by a hug from your boyfriend.

"There you are, kitty! Was gettin' worried."

"Was I long?" You ask him after he pulls you into a kiss.

"Nah, not at all. Were you shoppin' or somethin'?" Gamzee searches, likely for food or beer but you have neither.

"Oh, no. I went to the vet and filled out paperwork so I can take him for visits."

"Mind takin' anotha along next time?"

Another troll walks out from behind Gamzee's long and lanky legs, as if Gamzee planned for your encounter to go exactly like this.

The new troll was much more malnourished than you expected. Then again, you didn't expect another troll at all… Not on Gamzee's behalf. Not after how much he abjured the idea of taking care of Equius not long ago.

"Another one, Gamzee?"

"He was left in a box on the street, Nep! I only did what you'd've done." Your boyfriend gives you bloodshot puppy eyes. "If we gonna have a family, we gotta start somewhere."

You blush like a stupid idiot and hug Gamzee then look down at the small boy again.

With extremely shaggy and unkempt hair covering his eyes, you can't possibly tell what blood color he is. His horns are so small, they barely show above his hair.

"Does he have a name?" You ask Gamzee.

"Beats me. Won't say nothin' to me." He says almost grumpily.

You kneel down to the boy's size and try to look as non-threatening as possible, which, hopefully doesn't take much effort for you.

"Hi, sweetheart." You coo, slowly reaching out to pet him.

He flinches away, his irises are slits. He looks terrified.

"What's your name, hm? Do you have one?"

He swishes his tail and opens his mouth. Geez, those little teeth look real sharp…

"Kaw...kat…"

"Karkat?" You repeat, making sure you got it right and he nods, hiding in his tail so you, in turn, look to Gamzee. "His name's Karkat!"

"Yeah, I heard." Gamzee growls. "Coulda told _me_ that, punk."

Karkat glares at Gamzee and you chuckle nervously, trying to keep peace.

You approach _Karkat_ again and he looks afraid you're going to hit him but that is far from your intention…

The curiosity to find out his blood color is suddenly overwhelming.

You move to lift his bangs, a few leaves falling to the floor and just when you can barely see his yellow scleras-

"Ouch…" He bit your finger.

"HEY! Listen, ya little maggot!" Gamzee raises a hand to him and you find yourself flinching but still somehow manage to catch his hand.

"He didn't mean to, Gamzee. I'm fine."

 _As long as you don't get rabies…!_

Suddenly, Gamzee's attention is on your purse and you already know what's coming.

"Babe, how much cash ya got in there?"

"About forty…" You mutter.

 _About forty dollars you can kiss goodbye to now that it's been disclosed._

"Fo'ty? Tsk. Man! I _guess_ that'll do."

So he takes the forty dollars from your purse and leaves so you finally take out your phone.

 **affectionateCompanion [** **AC** **] began pestering gigglingCounsel [** **GC** **]**

 **AC:** :33c

 **AC:** tereziiiii

 **AC:** i think ive got vriskers some friends!


	10. It Keeps Happening

Goodness does word spread quick. Apparently, Gamzee told Nepeta who told Terezi who told Aradia who told you that they're keeping _another_ troll already.

"But they literally just got one!" You said to Aradia.

"I know! Isn't it crazy? Before we know it, those two are gonna be married with some _human_ kids on the way!"

You force yourself to suppress an audible shudder. "Well… Maybe? I mean, Terezi told me Nepeta declined when he proposed a few days ago… Good for her.." You mutter under your breath.

"Sorry, did you say something, Feferi?" Aradia raised her voice a considerable bit since she last spoke, causing you to move your ear away from the phone for a moment.

You can only assume that her troll son, Sollux is 'buzzing' _oh you have got to tell her that one_ around, using his psiionics to wreak havoc.

"No, no, you're fine, Ray!"

Get it? Ray? As in… Manta Ray? And...a nickname for Aradia? You crack yourself up…

You hear a clatter in the background and you flinch just from hearing it.

"Should I leave you to that?" You ask hesitantly. You don't think you've heard him so worked up before.

"Oh, no, he'll be alright. I think he just needs to get his frustrations out.. I think he might have a crush or something!" Aradia giggles. "But I can't read his mind or force him to talk so I just let him go."

"But.. Last time I checked, you had expensive china!"

"Oh! No, I have all that fancy stuff to Damara as a sort of house warming gift. See, she recently moved from Japan."

"So she finally wanted to come see you?"

"Oh…"

You can't think of anything else to say but 'Oh'. Sometimes you forget that your friends don't have that good of a bond with their siblings. Not that yours with Meenah is picture purr perfect either but…

"Besides, I've learned to not have anything too expensive or fragile within a mile of him." Aradia adds with a small chuckle.

"Is taking care of Sollux ever a burden or… too much work?"

"Oh, _yes_ , he's quite a handful but I would never say that he's a weight on my shoulders. He's young but we've been through so much together."

You sigh. "Well, I'll get going. You need to calm that buzzing bee of yours anyhow."

You hear Aradia laugh for a bit. She's heard way too many bee puns from you but she still laughs like it's the first time. You guess it's just a running joke now?

"Goodbye!" Aradia chirps then hangs up, you following suit.

As much as you don't like it, you're a little bothered by the current situ- okay, you're a LOT bothered… Why weren't you the first person Nepeta told about this new troll? You _are_ best friends!- No. You think you shouldn't think like that. You should respect Nepeta's boundaries and go to her apartment and see for yourself.

To tell you the truth, you really just want to see her and any reason is a good reason. You feed your cuttlefish and before you leave, you glance back at your olive cuttlefish and blow a kiss.

You approach Nepeta's apartment and raise your french tipped pointer finger to ring the bell when a sudden thought dawns on you: you hardly ever let Nepeta know you're coming, you just do… Perhaps that's a reason why Gamzee doesn't like you. He would definitely be pissed if you walked in on them making out or… something.

You retch at the thought of seeing his drug tainted lips going _anywhere_ near hers.

You would gladly take her gentle hand and spin her into your arms and kiss her yourself in front of that guy.

Is that messed up?... Yeah, you're messed up. In fact, you're so messed up that you just… walked in. Without ringing the doorbell.

You hear some stirring, which you assume is Nepeta, Gamzee, Eq, or the new kid. You shut the door behind yourself and you aren't left alone in the entryway long enough to wonder who it was.

"You're home already, Gamzee?" Nepeta's voice calls.

You're about to announce your arrival on your own behalf but a troll with nubby horns glides into view and upon seeing you, his bushy eyebrows seem to almost form a unibrow. "Definitely not Gamzee." He grumbles.

You see yet another pair pair of horns appear, one of them broken and you smile at the troll bearing them.

"Then who is it?" Says Nepeta's voice.

"Don't tell me I need an introduction!"

You walk into the room and Pounce, Nepeta's white maine coon, who was previously resting on Nepeta's lap leaps to the floor with a small 'mrrp' and saunters over to you.

You kneel down to pet the cat in her favorite spot; right behind her left ear. She nestles her soft, furry face into your palm and purrs comfortably. You smile and stand back up after a while.

"Y'know, I don't see Pounce too often anymore… You'd think that a white maine coon would stick out like a sore thumb."

Pounce spins around, her fluffy tail tickling your leg and jumps back onto the couch. Nepeta chuckles and glances at Pounce for a moment.

"Yeah, I don't… think she likes Gamzee that much."

You exchange a meaningful moment's glance with Pounce, as if you could commune with animals. _You and me both sister_ , you think to yourself, again, as if you could commune with animals.

"Is… Gamzee not here?" You ask.

"Oh, yeah… He went out a few minutes ago. Why?"

"Just wanted to make sure we can both be _ourselves_." You half joke.

"Feferi, I always act the same way. There's nothing different."

"You're less tense than usual."

"Well, you and Gamzee aren't fighting… That's enough for me." She sighs with a small smile, which you return.

You look back down to Pounce and the troll boys. "Nep? Could I ask something of you?"

"Uh- Of course! What is it?"

"I want someone to… keep me company." You mutter, a bit embarrassed. "Like… them," You gesture to her furry friends and she looks a bit... disappointed to hear that last part.

"Feferi, you wanna take care of a troll?"

"Well… yeah." You confirm, feeling awkward.

"Nepeta's face lights up and you suddenly feel your knees nearly collapse under you so you quickly suggest the two of you _sit_ and chat. She asks you if you want a drink but you decline because you say you don't plan on staying long.

"Why not? I'd be happy to help you get a companion,"

Your gay ass wouldn't want to miss out on an o **purr** tunaty to spend time with Nepeta so you decide that you'll stay a bit longer; at least until Gamzee comes back… Yeah, you don't think you'll want to be here when he comes back.. _Maybe_.

"You wanna go for a walk?" You ask.

She glances outside, likely checking how much daylight you have left and she nods. "Let me just write him a note before we go?" She says, ending is as a question as if she would change her mind if you objected.

"Shore!"

Nepeta smiles wide and stands, wandering around the first floor of her apartment for a pen and paper. You don't really know why she does this and you'd never ask because you think that would be rude so at this point, you just let her do what she thinks is best.

Getting the feeling this may be a while, you stand and start compulsively cleaning. Of course, the majority, if not _all_ of the mess is beer bottles, mostly empty. You pick up as many bottles as you can and silently judge Gamzee Makara even further.

How does she stand being within a ten mile radius of this guy?... That's _love_ , you guess.

As you go to recycle this shameful display, you notice that some even collected dust. Gross?

What does he even _do_? You ask yourself, tossing the bottles away. You know he doesn't work… Does he just drink and smoke all day? As much as that makes you want to laugh at the idiocy and… utter douchebaggery of it all, you know it's true and clear as day. You're tempted to scour the apartment for more to clean but Nepeta comes over and you wipe that from your mind.

"Sorry, one second." She whispers and bends over the counter to write the note and you desperately want to write 'GET A JOB!?￢ﾀﾙ on that, but you decide to be mature and just shut up.

"Okay, I'm done. Eq and Kartitten, you know where the food is if you get hungry. You're in charge until Gamzee gts back, Eq." Nepeta says over her shoulder.

Equius makes a confident sounding "Hm", nodding and the other boy rolls his eyes.

"You're leaving them alone?" You ask, glancing back at them nervously.

"Gamzee's gonna be home soon. Besides, I trust them," Nepeta beams at them.

With Gamzee there, you think they might as well be alone.

"Yeah, of course!"

Nepeta locks the door behind you both and you set out on a walk. The two of you walk in silence for a bit, occasionally catching eye contact.

She looks so serene now as you watch her short bottle blonde hair bob as she walks, vaguely missing her beautiful ginger hair.

You look down to Nepeta's small hands, swaying at her sides and you realize how you ache to hold them. You look at your own hand, a bit bigger than hers, so you could protect her.

You bite your lip as well as the metaphorical bullet and take it upon yourself to hold her. Her hand is cold. You look up at her and see her blushing through her bangs; you wish you could brush her bangs out of her onlive eyes and get lost in them… forever…

You clear your throat and Nepeta sorta jumps.

"Soo, Nep.. Why did you dye your hair?"

"I honestly don't really know…" She chuckles. "I admit, I'd been thinking about it for a while since you did it. It just… seemed like a good change!" She shrugs.

You nod. "You pull blonde off pretty well!"

"Ehhh, I dunno. I think I prefer my natural ginger."

You do too but that would probably sound rude?

You stop for a moment to figure which way you'd go next and you both agree on right.

You notice Nepeta starts to gently swing your arm with her's.

"I haven't walked down this neighborhood in a while… It's been even longer since I have with Gamzee," She muses.

You frown at the mention of her boyfriend and she notices, apologizing softly. You reassure her that she has nothing to be sorry for. She smiles and you melt.

For a moment, Nepeta looks as if she was going to say something but had forgotten and closed her mouth. You rub her hand with your thumb.

"Are you okay?" You ask.

"Yeah, just thinking… Remember when you and Gamzee were close?"

"I remember… we would team up and play pranks on you, terezi and aradia all the time in high school!"

"Yeah! Hehe…"

You both crack up for a bit. It's hard to believe now that he was your _friend_..

"Oh! And when I taught you how to bake a pie just so you could throw it in his face?" Nepeta snorts at your recounting.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see someone struggling to pick something up.

You turn and tell Nepeta you think you should help and you walk over together.

"Excuse me, do you need help?" Nepeta asks them.

The person stands, seeming very relieved that the two of you were there.

"Oh my Gosh, you have no idea how grateful I would be… You see, I'm moving back to Europe so I can attend an art university-"

They're British, eh? Cute accent!

They look back to their house. "But I'm afraid I can't bring my troll with me… I can't afford it." Wait. Did they say troll?

"Did you say troll?" You ask.

"Why, yes, I did. Why do you ask, love?"

"I've… always wanted a troll."

"Is that so?" They smile with a cute little chuckle. "He was my first troll… Such a sweetheart."

"Well… I wouldn't mind taking care of him! I would… love to, actually."

"I'm sure he'd love you too! I would hate to have to take him to a shelter.."

"It breaks my heart," You both say at the same time and laugh heartily.

At that moment, you notice they have different colored eyes but you don't realize you were staring-

"Heterochromia, dear," They say sweetly.

"Pardon?"

"My eyes. You were.. Staring." They laugh and point to their left eye, which is a deep brown. After a few moments, they then point to their right eye, a rich green.

"No, I'm sorry! That's not what I meant, uhhh"

At that moment you realized you never formally introduced yourself-

"Cal or Callie, if you prefer,"

"Feferi," You say.

"Nepeta," Nep pipes up. You'd nearly forgotten she was there. "Hey, is that him?" She points over to… a tree? But then you notice the almost _too_ obvious horns sticking out from behind the tree.

"Pay no attention to the troll behind the oak tree…" A small voice shakes.

But… he just drew attention to himself by saying that? Also the horns now that you notice them.

"Tavros, dear, come out and meet your new friend!" Cal attempts to invite the little guy out and you see his tail flick out from behind the tree.

"He's so nervous," Nepeta mutters and you nod.

"Maybe we should come back another time?"

Cal opens their mouth to speak but you see Nepeta walking over to the tree, seemingly using all of her effort in remaining quiet and as non-threatening as possible. For someone like her, this shouldn't require so much of her but this little guy has some serious all-around anxiety disorder… Poor thing.

You see Nepeta kneel down in the grass and watch her small frame disappear behind the tree and you wait. You can just barely hear Nepeta whispering to Tavros. You glance anxiously to Cal who looks deathly worried.

"She knows what she's doing," You insist and Cal visibly relaxes.

After a few minutes, you notice the talking stops and Nepeta reappears, standing up and walking back over to the two of you, a small but satisfied smile on her face. Shortly after, you see a small troll come out. You can't help but notice that some of his- _most_ of his features are very bull-like, especially when he's walking on all fours like that. He stops at your heels and looks up at you with those _adorable_ brown speckled, grey eyes of his that you finally get to see… and… take him home… away from Cal…

"Wait," You pry your eyes away from Tavros. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

Their confusion melts into a sweet smile. "Yes, I'm quite sure. I want what is best for him and remaining under my hospitality simply… isn't."

You allow yourself a somewhat guilty smile, glancing back to Nepeta, trying desperately to silently ask her for reassurance. When she nods, you feel a bit better… about… everyfinthing.

You take a deep breath. "Okay," You say.

You see Cal smile, tears welling up in their eyes. They kneel onto the grass, stretching their arms wide and Tavros quickly leaps into their arms. "

"You'll be good, won't you?" Cal asks, running their hand through the boy's spiky hair.

He nods silently and they release each other.

"I cannot thank you enough, Ms. Peixes." Cal turns away from the three of you and you feel another pang of guilt as they start walking back over to their boxes.

"Wait. Why don't we exchange numbers? Or Pesterchum? To keep in contact? And…"

"Can we help?" Nepeta finishes the thought for you and a tear rolls down Cal's cheek.


	11. Stuttering and Stumbling Around

"Are you sure you don't want to stay over tonight?" You ask Nepeta.

"Fef, you know I would love to but…"

You feel that little monster in the pit of your soul lift its irritable little head and before you can stop it, it speaks in your voice, finishing Nepeta's sentence. "Gamzee'll worry, I know."

She looked at you with some disappointment and you felt the monster retreat into its cave again.

"Yeah…" She mutters, taking out her keys.

She steps up to her door and you want so badly to take Nep's hand and hold it until the end of time, just so she won't go inside but you know that you can't because it's _wrong_ … so you don't. So you walk to your car and unlock it instead. You place Tavros into the back and buckle his seatbelt, almost wrapping it around his _huge_ horns.

Nepeta unlocked the door already so you rush over to her and hug her from behind, alerting her to your presence first of course, so as not to frighten her and you thank her.

You see the corner of her mouth turn up slightly.

"Thank _you_ ," She says and that's all you needed so you release her and watch her go inside and close the door.

You feel your smile begin to fade and you look back to your car, see your new friend and feel almost better… Almost.

You get into the car and smile to him. He gazes at you with those big old eyes that seem to smile to you even though he doesn't _really_ smile.

As you start driving home, you realize something you truly failed to grasp at any time before just now.

There is a troll. In the backseat.

"Sooo… you hungry, sweetie?"

"No…" Tavros mutters.

You look in the window. He doesn't look exactly well fed either, though.

"Did… Cal not want me anymore?"

Oh, Goodness. You suppress the urge to slam on the brakes right then and there… How do you say this delicately..?

"Oh, no, that's not it at all, Tavros. They simply, well, no not really simply, couldn't… keep you anymore."

The boy is silent for a while and you feel anxiety and sympathy for this little guy welling up inside of you.

You hear the poor kid sniff.

"They did like to draw a lot,"

"Were they good?" You ask in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Well… yeah. Really good, actually…" You see him smile and chuckle when you glance at your mirror while stopped. "We would, uh, watch a lot of Disney movies together and they drew all my favorites."

Disney! A huge smile grows on your face.

You remember watching The Little Mermaid with Meenah when it came out in theatres and giggling and staring in awe at the beautiful oceans… Wondering why everyone except Meenah and yourself were fawning over Prince Eric. You remember all too well marveling in Ursula, finally an animated woman with your body type…

You realize you meant to actually say at least some of these things aloud so you can show Tavros you have at least this in common with him but instead your mouth was just hanging open like a fish out of water.

"Sorry, I, uh, talk too much sometimes… uh-"

"Oh! No, that's not it at all! I grew up with Disney movies!" You quickly recover the conversation, praying that if the two of you bond over movies, he might like you? Not as much as Cal obviously, but… enough. "What's your favorite?"

"Peter Pan!" he replies almost immediately.

"Ooh… I haven't watched that one in a long time. Maybe we could watch it some time!

A few seconds go by and without having to even look at him, you feel him retreating into his shell again.

"Maybe," he mutters, going back to staring at the stars and you feel your heart sink.

Maybe you shouldn't have taken him in so quickly. He needed more time to process this change in family. Maybe you should just turn back now and just say, "Haha! You know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this caretaking thing. You can find someone else, right? Or, better yet, why don't you just bring him _with_ you? You don't have to leave him, he doesn't have to leave you, problem solved." But…

No. You couldn't do that… to either of them.

In a split second's decision, you make a left onto a sideroad instead of going home.

You made that turn a lot harder than you could have ever intended to and you swore you heard a small moo-like sound from the backseat.

"Sorry, sweetheart!"

"It's… okay, I think!... Why are we going back?"

"If you're gonna live with me from now on, I want you to feel at home."

You pull up to the curb by Cal's house and offer Tavros your hand to help him down. You don't know how quickly trolls age but you assume he can walk on two legs though you haven't seen it.

His tiny gray hand hesitantly takes yours and you smile and help him down onto the ground. You make your way up to the door and ring the doorbell, Cal emerging almost immediately, appearing surprised and a bit saddened by your return.

"You've come back," They glance down at Tavros. "Is something the matter?"

"Yes- well, no. I wouldn't say that something's the matter." You see relief wash over their face. "I realized on our way home that in the excitement of it all, I forgot to take Tavros' things."

"Ah, yes, I realized that as well. And, er, I realized also that I don't have a way to contact you. Do you happen to have Pesterchum?"

"But of course!" You say, taking out your phone and opening the Pesterchum app.

"Oh, how rude of me. Why don't you come inside?" They offer.

You want to deny because you already feel guilty enough coming back unexpectedly. "I don't wish to intrude…" You mutter, sounding almost as sheepish as Nepeta.

"Nonsense, love. You're my friend, not an intruder."

"Nepeta's boyfriend thinks otherwise…" You chuckle, half-joking.

"Sounds to me he's a sour man. You are a pleasure." Cal smiles and places their hand on your shoulder, guiding you inside.

"You have no idea, Cal."

"So, shall I offer you a drink? A snack? Truthfully I don't have all that much but I'm glad to host you."

"Oh, no all I want is your pesterchum ID. No need to serve me or anything."

"Ah, right. Sorry, love." Cal blushes abashedly, taking out their phone as well. "I don't get company too often."

You hand Cal your phone and they do the same.

You hear Cal laugh and look up from your phone. "Do you swim, Feferi?"

"Ah, well, I used to until I started running Crocker Corp and baking for a living."

"Sounds lovely."

"Well, I'm spending time making cakes in stead of my mother, out of love for her legacy, which also happened to be a multi-million business. It's a lot of pressure but it's fun since I get to make new recipes and… Sorry, I probably sound pretentious."

"Not at all. Even if that were so, you have the bragging rights."

"Thank you, I think… If that's something I can say thank you to, heh."

At this opportunity, you hand back each others phones and you glance down at your new chum's handle… ultramarineUniverse.

"It is, I admit quite uninspired. I do draw and that is what I'm going to University for but other than that I'm not the most creative person."

"No, Cal, I think it's very pretty and it suits you. After all," You glance around their house and see many space themed decorations just in the entryway. "You seem pretty into space… Why not go into that field?"

"Ah, no. I simply admire the aesthetic of it all."

"Well, either way you are admirable for going back to college."

"Thank you, Feferi."

You glance down at Tavros who you momentarily forgot was the reason you drove here in the first place.

"Oh, sorry, Tavros. Uh… Is there any way I can help pack?"

"Uh… not to be rude or anything but… I think I would prefer being alone with Cal… for this."

"Tavros," Cal starts, likely about to chastise him about manners but to be quite honest with yourself, you didn't expect anything else.

"No, it's fine. We've only just met and it's only fair!" You say despite your heart sinking.

You'll just wait. They may be a while… final goodbyes and everything.

This… _is_ for the best, right? Yeah.

You take a seat in a comfy looking chair- yup it sure is.

You look down at your phone… might as well tell your friends the news.

CC: s)(ello!

CC: ive got something to tell you…

GC: YOU'R3 G4Y? :P

AA: you dyed your hair? :0

AC: SHE GOT A TROLL!

CC: nep!

AC: what? they were gonna k33p guessing incessantly

CC: you ruined the surprise!

AC: sorry! :((

AC: i just have a surprise too!

GC: dcbaeffffffg

GC: YOU H4V3 4 TROLL? S1NC3 WH3N?

CC: earlier today but…

AC: buuut?

CC: i dont think he likes me

AA: whats not to like feferi?

AA: im sure youll be a great caretaker! :D

CC: i just.

CC: feel like i stole him

GC: W3LL *D1D* YOU ST34L H1M?

CC: well no but he wasnt ready to leave his previous owners hands

CC: theyre going back to england to pursue art and they cant take him with them so they were searching around basically without him knowing for someone who would take him in

GC: TH3Y W3R3 DO1NG 1T W1THOUT TH3 K1D'S KNOW1NG?

GC: NO WOND3R H3'S SO R3S1ST4NT. H3'S D1STR4UGHT.

CC: thats why i feel so bad!

CC: they feel guilty too but they need to leave soon so if i turned it down…

AA: he mightve gone to a shelter :(

CC: yeah!

CC: yeah..

AC: oh god i forced you into it didnt i?

AC: im sorry feferi

CC: no!

CC: no sorry nep!

CC: i wanted to have someone around! I just didnt know how to go about it

GC: D3SP1T3 YOUR COMPL3T3 L4CK OF 3XP3R13NC3 W1TH TROLLS WH4TSO3V3R?

AC: terezi! :((

AA: terezi!

GC: WH4T? JUST T3LL1NG H3R HOW 1T 1S.

CC: no shes right

AA: well

AA: parenting is an experience

AA: you learn by doing it!

AA: terezi, you had no experience before vriska correct?

GC: Y3S.

GC: BUT 1 4LR34DY *KN3W* TH1NGS 4BOUT TROLLS.

GC: L1K3 QU4DR4NTS 4ND SH1T.

CC: that doesnt mean im incapable of learning

CC: 8/.

GC: 1 KNOW

GC: 1 D1DN'T M34N 1T L1K3 TH4T, 1'M SORRY.

CC: whatever

CC: its fin

Well. That went just _swimmingly_. You drop your phone facedown on your lap.

You appreciate Terezi's honestly but she didn't need to be so blunt. You already felt bad, thinking everything she was saying and she just reaffirmed it all… Were Aradia and Nepeta thinking the same thing?

You take a deep breath and imagine yourself physically pushing those thoughts away.

You are calm.

You see Cal walk towards you with Tavros's things in… more or less a suitcase, their face blotchy and red.

You guess there's no turning back now and ask, "Where's Tavros?"

"He'll be out in a moment. I just wanted to thank you again for doing this."

"Yes, of course!"

Tavros walks over to you but not too close, wrapping his arms around himself.

"You ready to go, Tavros?" You ask gently.

He blinks away his bronze tears and nods without a word and you feel that pit in your stomach again.

You hold your arms out to Cal who really seemed to need a hug and they gratefully accept. They're a nice hugger despite their somewhat small frame. Not as good as Nepeta though. Nepeta gives great hugs.

"Feel free to check in whenever you wish."

"Thank you… I am wholly and eternally grateful to you." Cal pulls out of your hug and wipes a tear from their cheek. "Good night."

You feel yourself choking up now. "Good night."

You walk out of Cal's house and Tavros walks alongside you, glancing up at you for a moment.

You're pretty sure you know the way home but to be absolutely sure, you pull up Waze after getting Tavros in the car.

You pull out of Cal's driveway and your mind drifts to what Terezi was saying earlier.

It isn't too late to learn, right?

You take a deep breath and allow yourself to let go and just focus on driving. All you hear is the wind and cars rushing past and Tavros's soft and gentle breaths.

You hear a dull clunk on the backseat window and you jump, glancing back for a moment.

"Tavros, love, are you alright?"

No response.

You stop at a light and look back again. His face is smooshed against the window and he's clouding it up with his breaths. You can't help but smile.

He must have fallen asleep looking at the stars. You get the feeling he got that from Cal.

You force yourself to turn your attention back to the road and before you know it, you've pulled into your driveway.

You turn the car off and get out, now realizing just how late it is. You open the back door as softly as humanly possible, looking at Tavros's smooshed face from the window perspective and snicker.

This kid is too adorable.

You unbuckle the seatbelt and pick him up, instinctively holding him like a baby.

Okay! He's… kinda smelly. Less adorable.

You'll just have to give him a bath tomorrow. It'd be mean to wake him up now.

You close the car door with your hip and lock it after you grab his things as well.

You think you'll give Tavros your bed tonight and you'll sleep on the couch until you get everything ready and settled.

You walk up the driveway and to your door, clumsily unlock it because you are literally just one person holding a child with huge horns that could blind you with just one wrong move… You suddenly have a strong desire to put him down.

You close the door and make a mental note to feed the fishies before you retire for the night. You place Tavros's things on the floor and walk upstairs to your bedroom, put Tavros on the bed and tuck him in, kiss him on the forehead.

You get undressed and pull on a night gown and put your clothes in the To Clean pile and finally turn off the lights and leave the door open a crack because you don't know him that well and don't want him to feel scared in the dark, if he is.

You walk back downstairs, hearing nothing but your feet patting the floor. Then you hear your phone vibrate on the table by your fish.

You shake the food flakes into the tank and pick your phone up.

AC: hey fef

AC: you mind coming over tomorrow?

AC: ive got something to tell you and i want you to be the first to know

CC: oh shore!

CC: is everything alright nep?

AC: oh yeah sorry!

AC: its good news i purromise

CC: would you mind if i brought tavros along?

AC: oh no thats perfect!

AC: he can talk with equius and karkat!

CC: is tomorrow morning fine?

CC: ill let you know before i come in this time lol

AC: sounds good! night! 3

CC: 3

In the morning, you wake up on the couch… oh, right you have Tavros now.

You open your eyes and Tavros is sleeping next to you..

You sit up and caress his cheek and say his name. You see him stir and open his eyes.

"Morning Tavros," you say.

Tavros jumps back and blushes. "Uh… sorry, I don't think I'm comfortable with that."

You pull your hand back. "Oh."

You… don't know what you did wrong but… okay?

"Sorry… I was just being motherly, I guess."

"So… you weren't making pale advancements?"

"What advancements?"

"Er… Pale."

"What?"

"Oh… See, uh… trolls, like me, have four quadrants, four different kinds of uh… relations I think is the word. Moirailegiance, which is real close platonic love, we have evolutionarily to uh… keep each other sane basically."

"And you thought I was trying to… moray… you?"

"M.. Moirail, and yeah."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"Sorry! I don't… really know much about troll culture."

"Well, I uh… could teach you!" Tavros smiles, seeming a bit unsure of himself and you smile ear to ear. It's almost like he read your mind!... Can he do that? You don't think trolls his color can do that… right?

"Thank you, Tavros! That's very sweet of you."

You feel your hunger pangs kick in and remember that neither of you ate dinner last night. "You hungry?" Tavros looks up and nods. "Like pancakes?" He nods enthusiastically. "Alright! Banana and almond pancakes coming up lickety split!"

While the pancakes cook, you get Tavros in a bath and allow him privacy to get all squeaky clean, leaving his clothes and a towel on the toilet.

You take a quick shower and get dressed and flip the pancakes, humming to yourself. Mmm…

You go back up the stairs to check on Tavros, knocking on the door.

"Uh… Feferi?"

"Yes?" You open the door, worried that something was wrong and you see Tavros with his arms splayed in the air and shirt wrapped around his horns. "Help."

With a bit of trouble and some worrying cloth ripping sounds, you get his shirt on and dry his hair.

You hold out your hand for him to hold and he, slightly less hesitantly than last time, takes it.

"Let's eat some breakfast! You remember the girl that came with me when I got you? Nepeta?"

"Uh… yeah?"

"We're gonna go visit her if you don't mind coming along. She has some trolls too!"

"Uh… really? Oh… What do I say?"

"Just be yourself, hon. They're a little mean looking but they're really sweet."

He smiles and nods. "Okay."

After letting Nepeta know, you drove to her apartment with Tavros in tow.

You walk in and she hugs you tightly.

"So, what's up?" You glance at Gamzee, who's leaning against the wall, hands in his hoodie pockets.

Nepeta grins and Gamzee takes one of his gross hands out and holds Nepeta's delicate and fragile hand.

"We're engaged!" She laughs and you feel the world melting away rapidly but before it does completely, you see Gamzee smirking at you maliciously and you know he's won.


	12. Comfort Within Heartbreak

You force yourself to swallow your pride and choke back your tears.

You're happy.

You take Nepeta into your arms, giving everything you have to make _her_ happy.

"Nepeta, I…" You can't. You lost your chance long ago. "Am so EXCITED for you!"

You look her in the eyes, desperately wishing a starving swarm of piranha would eat Gamzee alive. You pull out of your hug and take her hand, aching to see how ugly the ring is…

You feel a tear escape and slip down your cheek. It's beautiful and you hate it. You hate him so fucking much.

"It's beautiful…" You repeat, the words bitter on your tongue.

Gamzee covers Nepeta's hand with his own.

"Thanks Feferi. Means a lot to have your approval. Knew ya'd like the ring too."

You want to cry…

You pretend to itch your eye, wiping another tear away, the lump in your throat burning with the sobs crawling up your throat. You clear your throat, warding them away long enough to ask, "Will you be having a party?"

"Yeah, in a few weeks… We just don't know if we can have it _here_." Nepeta clearly hesitates. "Would you mind hosting it, Feferi?"

You open your mouth and Gamzee pulls Nepeta close, his arm on her shoulder.

"It'd help a lot, sis. Can fit a lot more people than we can in that mansion a yours." He laughs but you know he is nowhere near joking.

"Uh… Yeah, sure! I can host! I'd be honored! Just let me know when it'll be!"

Nepeta hugs you tightly, getting you off balance for a second. "Thank you so much, aaah!"

Nepeta lets you go after a short while and the warmth fades from you again.

"Thanks, sis." You don't know what to do when Gamzee thanks you. If you have to hug him, you think you'll die.

Though it's not much better, when Gamzee holds out his hand, you are so relieved. You shake it, dying inside nonetheless.

"So, uh… Is that all?" You ask. "Gimme the details!"

Hosting a party celebrating Nepeta and Gamzee's engagement frankly makes you want to puke but it's for her, so…

"It's gonna be on the sixth at two. Will your pool be ready to open by then?"

"Oh, definitely. You won't mind helping me open?"

"Of course not! It's the least we can do in return."

"Yup." Gamzee is quicker to respond than you thought he would be. He walks up to you, taking his hand from Nepeta's and takes a hold of yours again.

 _He… didn't already forget that he did this already right?_ You think to yourself, roll your eyes but go with it.

You make to shake his hand but he raises it to his grossly chapped lips and kisses it. You force yourself to resist the urge to swipe it away when he does so and when you take back your hand you inconspicuously wipe it on your skirt. You feel gross.

"Thanks, Peixes. Means a lot. Really."

The man before you smiles and you see a flicker of who he used to be.

What happened to him? Maybe nothing at all… Maybe he was just better at hiding his malice then. Maybe you were too.

You stare at him, looking for any sign of insincerity in his eyes but find none.

You feel nauseous… Could you be the problem here?

You force another smile. Pretending to be happy has never been so hard.

You actually hope you're kicked out by her… fiance before you break down in front of her.

"So, uh… Is that all? Not that that wasn't wonderful news but… I don't wish to intrude if the engaged" You gag on that word. "Have things to do?"

"Actually, we do." Nepeta looks to Gamzee, as if she just remembered so. "We have invitations to make, people to give the news to!"

"I see… So I really am the first to know?"

You wish you had the capability to be flattered by this.

"Well, duh, Peixes. You're my best friend's best friend. She wanted ya to be the first to know." Gamzee hugs her shoulder.

"And uh… since my parents are… well, I'm not sure where, do you think you would mind walking me down the aisle.. Feferi?"

YES! You WOULD mind actually! You want to be the one walking down the aisle TO her! Not with her to give her to a _completely_ undeserving, unworthy man!

You grit your teeth. "I would love to, Nep!"

Nepeta squeals and hugs you tight.

Please, God… Let this be a nightmare.

"Feferi, you're the BEST!"

 _No… You are, Nepeta._

She deserves the world and you wish so _foolishly_ that you could be the one to give it to her…

The dam is about to break.

You need to leave. Now.

"Well… Thanks for inviting us over! We'll get out of your hair. Come on, Tav, dear."

"But I wanted to talk to-"

"Sorry, Tav, we can do it another time, right Nep?"

"Of course! You're welcome any time!"

"See, hon? Don't worry. Have a good day, you lovebirds!"

You nearly shut the door on your hair in your rush to leave as you feel tears welling up again. Tavros jumps on his own into the car, stumbling a bit.

You get into the car and slam the door shut, staring at nothing in particular.

… He can't hear you like this.

Tavros, honey do you want the radio on? I'll find some Disney tunes for us!" You don't wait for him to answer and turn the volume up.

You feel the lump in your throat growing. You replay everything that happened in you mind and it truly doesn't take long for the tears to flow.

You cover your mouth attempting to stifle your sobs as much as possible. You try to breathe but even then you stutter. You curl yourself up, shaking with each breath you take and letting out another cry in turn.

You feel tears drop onto your hands. You wish you could cry quieter, suffer quieter, love quieter, lose quieter…

No matter how much you cry, nothing will change. You're losing her forever.

Before you can stop yourself, you cry out her name, sobbing louder than before now, your gasping breaths uncontrollable. You feel yourself starting to hyperventilate but you don't care anymore.

You haven't cried this intensely since your mother… No. Somehow, call you ungrateful but, you feel this grief is worse.

You hear a sort of patter next to you and a very small hug wrap around you.

"The radio was too loud. Sorry… it hurt my ears."

You attempt to collect yourself but his innocence is almost too much to bear. You doubt he could ever begin to understand the inner turmoil you feel-

"You love her, don't you?"

You completely underestimated him.

"I… I love her." Those words make your lips tingle and a few more tears fall. "How did you…?"

"Well… You were extremely distressed and you did cry her name but… uh, let's just say I have a lot of empathy."

Wait. There are trolls that can read minds, right? Is he reading your mind?

"No, I am not reading your mind. I can commune with animals, though. Like I said, I just have a lot of empathy… I could feel your distress rising the longer we were there."

You look back up at the apartment building and you feel you've reverted to being a child, and you… want to talk to your big sister so she can punch out the bully but the bully is… your best friend's partner.

… Maybe it'd be nice to talk to someone about this. If anyone, it should be your gay sister.

You grab some tissues and drab your eyes and cheeks of makeup diluted tears and finally turn out of the driveway, swallow and press the voice command button on your steering wheel.

"Call Meenah,"

In a few seconds, you hear one ring and then your sister's voice.

"Hey sis! What's goin' on?"

"Hey, sis. I was wondering if you're in town?" You clear your throat, realizing you still have that raspy, post-cry voice and of course, Meenah easily catches on.

"Somethin' wrong?"

"No, Meen, I just really wanna see you."

"Welp, you know me. Always makin' time for my lil' sis… 'Cept last time. That one don't count."

You laugh a little. "Uh… It _so_ does."

"Damn."

"Anyway, where're you staying? I'll drive over there now-"

"Absolutely not."

"But Meenah-"

"Hey, it's about time I come n' visit you, right? Stay a couple days? Hang out? Catch up?"

You find yourself tearing up again. "Yeah…"

"Welp, I oughta get packin'. It'll be a while 'fore I get there."

"You sure you don't wanna wait til tomorr-"

"Nope, I won't hear it. I'll let you know when I'm on the train and shit. Later, gurl." And she hangs up and you feel better about life as you pull into your driveway.

"Was that your sister?" Tavros asks after you turn the car off.

You smile at the boy warmly. "Yeah."

You both get out of the car and walk back into your house.

It's only been an hour at most and you're completely exhausted.

You look at your fishes in passing and head in to the TV room. In your mind's eye, you see Gamzee holding Nepeta. You take a shaky breath, knowing how the inevitable group conversation is gonna go.

Everyone will be absolutely thrilled for her. Everyone except you, her best friend who is supposed to be the most thrilled.

No. You can't do this to her. You _will_ be happy for her and be a bridesmaid no matter how much it makes you want to die.

You sigh. Save the tears, Feferi.

"So, what do you wanna do for the rest of the day, Tavros?" You ask him, forcing your selfishness to the side.

You suppose you left him in silence for too long because he jumps when you speak. You apologize.

"My friends all have trolls, so… when you're ready, you can make a Pesterchum account and talk to them."

Tavros' ears kinda flop down once you say that.

"Er… sorry, it sounded like a good idea in my head."

"No, it is a good idea, Feferi. I'm just not ready for that, I think."

Oh, right. How silly of you. People like him and Nep don't tend to jump right into friendships.

"That's fine." You reassure him. "I didn't mean to pressure you, I was just offering."

"I would be up for watching Disney movies though," Tavros smiles and you and he briefly switch roles of parent and child. The baby is you.

You'll make some popcorn and let him pick out the movies.

"I'll make some popcorn while you pick what you wanna watch. They're in the cabinet under the TV. I have quite a fine collection, not to brag."

Tavros nods and you both stand, you walking into the kitchen and he over to the TV and sitting on the floor in front of the cabinet.

When all is said and done, Tavros chose _Lilo & Stitch_, _Mulan_ , and _Bolt_. He originally chose _Dumbo_ , since he'd never seen that one and was curious, but you outright refused… nicely. Because you don't think either of you should be sad tonight.

You don't remember falling asleep but it becomes apparent that you did when you see Meenah on the couch with you.

You sit up rubbing your eyes and hug your sister, half-awake.

"Meenah! Whuh time did youuu get here?" You ask her amidst a sudden fit of yawns.

"Few hours ago. Di'nt know you had a kid. Gotta tell people those things."

"Guess I forgot to mention that. I wish that was the reason I called." You look down and Meenah slides her arm around your shoulder and kicks up her booted feet.

Wait. Where is he?

"Don't worry, I put the guppy to sleep and fed him. Er- the other way around, I guess."

You sigh. First full day with him and he sees you blubber and your _sister_ had to feed him. Where's your Best Mom Or Whatever award?

"So what's goin' on, Feferi? Di'nt sound like yourself on the phone.

You push away the urge to spill everything. "We don't have to talk about me right now! I wanna know how you're doing!"

"As much as I'd like to talk about my tour and shit, your voice made my heart drop. Haven't sounded so broken since… mom… ya know."

You take a shaky breath.

"Nepeta's getting married, Meenah!" You find yourself whining awfully like a child.

You force yourself to look down at the floor so she doesn't see you cry as tears start to fall again onto your clenched fists.

"Ohh…" Meenah coddles you. "Oh, sis.."

"I should be happy for her, I _want_ to be happy, but I can't! Every time I think about it I start crying. It felt like _thorns_ impaled my heart… Why can't I just…"

"You don't have to be happy for her… It's only human to hurt when you watch someone you love love somebody else… Ooh, that was good. That's a song waitin' to happen."

"Well, that was comforting. I know how your career is going."

"Oi! I'm tryna help!"

"'Oi'? Since when do you say 'oi'?"

"Since shut the fuck up," Meenah punches you in the shoulder hard and despite everything, you laugh.

"I just wish… if she were to marry someone, it wouldn't be a Makara. She deserves someone… so much better."

"Like you?" You don't respond, feeling selfish and guilty. Meenah smirks. "Take that as a yes."

"Meenah, I'm… sorry I called you all this way just for…" You gesture to your tear-stained face.

"Shush. I won't hear of it. Wasn't the only thing I came here fa. I wanted to see you."

You remember that she brought luggage and you make a mental note that you are 'eternally grateful' to Meenah, in Cal's voice.

You smile and hug your sister.

She's right. You don't have to be happy for Nepeta… You can do what you do best: support her. And… admire her from afar.


End file.
